Keith Lemon – Keith Lemon’s Fit

As with many of the celebrities whose workouts are featured here, I am unfamiliar with Lemon’s television work. I understand that he has hosted a game show called Celebrity Juice and has made a film so presumably he’s doing alright for himself. He is also the power behind a charity called Lemonaid which he mentions on the DVD.

Contact them now. Lemon is almost slightly sure that’s the right web address.

For this workout, Lemon is joined by Deanne Berry who is best known for appearing as a fitness instructor in Eric Prydz’s ‘Call on Me’ music video and popular masturbation aid. Aside from the occasional ‘Punching –in-Face’ or ‘Exposing-Erect-Penis’ incident, the pair seem to have pretty good chemistry.

The workout sections include a warm up, Hi Energy, Combat, Balls on the Floor, Shake Yer Booty and Berry’s innovative swimming pool based routine – Wetercise.

Balls on the Floor

Throughout the workouts Lemon uses a revolutionary device called a Keith Kam to provide a POV perspective and allow us to see Deanne’s signature moves up close. He is at great pains to point out to Deanne and the other girls that it’s not just about getting minge shots. Which goes to show how new both of them are to the Celebrity Workout DVD. Most of the DVDs we’ve covered have probably included a dedicated ‘Minge Cameraman’ on the team in order to ensure that we are never more than 5 minutes away from a woman’s gyrating pelvis.

Arses as well as minge. The Keith Kam is nothing if not versatile.

As well as the workouts, Lemon provides plenty of useful DVD extras including a visit to a laughter therapist and a makeover sessions with his highly informative stylist, Arabella.

“So what’s going to happen here?”

“I’m gonna give him some clothes and he’s gonna try them on.”

Overall I think Lemon provides some common sense to the flibbertigibbet world of Celebrity workouts. Most celebs shout out “You’re looking good!” by way of encouragement. Only Lemon has the foresight to add “Well, I don’t know that ’cos I can’t actually see ya.”Likewise the disclaimer at the start of the workout is much more useful than the usual nonsense.

Lemon also includes a video diary of his week in getting in shape before making the DVD. It includes the more swingball action than all the other fitness DVDs put together.

Trufact.

Best Bit

Oh you know how I am about music on Celebrity workout DVDs. The minute I detect a plinky plonky soundtrack, I want to go and punch an orphan in the face. No worries about that here. Lemon’s mate’s band provide the music. Live on set!

“They nearly went in for the X-Factor. But they didn’t go in for it.”

Worst Bit

Well the tension between Lemon and Berry can get a bit much sometimes. No-one needs the upset of seeing Berry storming out over a penis-based misunderstanding. As Lemon says “Most women like to look at my penis. I’ve got a really nice penis. It’s right smooth like a dolphin’s beak.” They do get it sorted out though after he tells her that he’s more sorry “than Ronan Keating where he wrote that song where he said that he was sorry and that’s all he could say but he said more things, I know, because it was a full song.”

Not porn

Apparently, Berry was 76% angry with Lemon that the workout has become a soft porn debacle.  Lemon replies that he knows what soft porn is but doesn’t know what a debacle means. I’m bringing it up because I wanted to mention the word ‘porn’ as often as possible for Search Engine Optimisation purposes.  ‘Porn’ is the eighth most popular search term that leads people to CLCW, you know. Jordan’s pinktastic workout led to me repeatedly saying the word like I was suffering from a bout of oddly specific Tourettes.

Also not porn

Hi guys! While I appreciate that CLCW might not be exactly what you ‘porn’ searchers are after, it’s nice to have you all here, anyway. Sorry about your mum putting parental controls on your laptop. Here’s a picture of Deanne Berry’s arse:

Similar to porn. Still not porn though.

Difficulty Level

Although few of us can dare to aspire to have a body like Lemon’s – Berry describes it as a ‘natural dancer’s body’ - this DVD does attempt to penetrate the mysteries of exercise so that they can be understood by scum like us. Lemon’s best tip concerns speed walking where he advises us to walk as though we have a pickled onion clenched between our butt cheeks that we don’t want to drop.

He also recommends jumping over your sofa three times a day for great cardio.

Would I do this Workout again?

It’s a possibility. Particularly if I want to brush up on my swingball technique or gain some more insight into how to “Run a lamp post. Walk a lamp post.”

Run a lamp post

Walk a lamp post.

Run a lamp post

Walk a lamp post.

Shit. Another lamp post.

Camilla Dallerup – Camilla’s Cardiodance Workout

Strictly Come Dancing and Celebrity Workout DVDs are frequent bedfellows. Probably not just bedfellows. More likely frequent, enthusiastic, downright kinky sex buddies.

You couldn’t throw a brick at a Strictly Come Dancing Reunion All-You-Can-Eat buffet lunch without bruising half a dozen C-List Celebrity Workout alumni. Particularly if Gabby Logan, Penny Lancaster, JessieWallace, Natalie Cassidy, Ali Bastion and Fern Britton were all clustered round the chocolate fondue a comfortable brick-hefting distance away.

Camilla in her day job

It stands to reason that if the galumphing celeb contestants can release a dancercise workout then the Strictly Come Dancing professionals must be eminently qualified to instruct and inform us humble plebs. I reviewed ‘Strictly Come Fit Dance Dancey Fit Dance’ some months ago which featured three of the pro dancers. In this DVD, Camilla Dallerup is flying solo. I would continue the sex analogy but we all know how that’s going to end up.

Camilla and her former partner Brendan Cole represented Great Britain in 2007’s Eurovision Dance Contest, incidentally. What do you mean you didn’t know there was a Eurovision Dance contest? You know people like you are the reason it got cancelled after only 2 years due to a “serious lack of interest”.

Britain’s representatives from left to right:  Dane, New Zealander.

Sections on this DVD include a Warm Up,  – which Camilla delightfully pronounces “Worm Up” throughout –Jive Kick Calorie Burner, Booty Blitz and Latin Combat. “Who says you can’t dance and punch at the same time?” asks the DVD blurb. I don’t think anyone’s ever said you can’t to be honest. I’m not sure anyone’s really felt the need. There’s a section called “Core Fusion” which trainer Steve Richardson gets to be in charge of. Because Camilla doesn’t want to be the bad guy, presumably.

Don't mess with the Steve

The workout is a bit light on DVD extras. We barely even get an introduction before we’re plunged into the Worm Up. I’ve clearly been spoiled by other celebrities. A workout just doesn’t feel complete these days unless it’s accompanied by a poorly explained diet plan, a ‘making of’ documentary and some in-depth interviews with a celebrity, their trainer, the chief sound engineer and the lady who designed the leg warmers.

And the lady who does Camilla's hair, of course.

Best Bit

Camilla has an uncanny resemblance to Kylie Minogue. If Neighbours ever want to bring Charlene back without waiting for Minogue to find a window in her calendar, then Camilla would be the very girl to play her. I have no idea if Camilla can act but I am pretty certain that isn’t one of the criteria for getting a part in Neighbours. They could explain her Danish accent by saying that Charlene had a stroke and woke up speaking with a different accent because that’s an actual thing. 

Uncanny

Worst Bit

Tiffany is the “Watch if you want the easy version” member of Camilla’s dance troupe. It would seem that the easy way to do Camilla’s dance moves is to always keep your arms by your side like you’re performing Riverdance. It doesn’t help a great deal to be honest.

Difficulty Level

At the beginning of the Jive Kick Calorie Burner section, Camilla says “We’ve got some jive moves in here and a bit of twist. So you probably know a lot of the dance steps already.” I fear she may have massively over-estimated my dance expertise.

The dance workouts aren’t hard to do, particularly, but they do involve a lot of quick changes between moves that Camilla expects you to recognise even though I’m sure they don’t exist anywhere outside this DVD. “And now, Charleston Run!” That’s not a thing, Camilla! You just made that up.

Particularly favoured by the gentlemen, that one.

Would I do this workout again?

I doubt it. I mean, sure Camilla, you showed me the magical world of Latino dancing combined with boxing but I feel that just isn’t enough for me any more. I want to mix new types of dance and violence. Salsa stabbing, for instance. Or Baroque beheading.

This looks promising.

We're all going on a Summer Holiday!

The staff at C-List Celebrity Workouts are off on their annual Summer Holiday and will be back on 18th August. Yes, you'll have to wait until then for the next offering of Fitness Instruction brought to you by someone whose talents lie entirely elsewhere. Assuming they have any talent at all, that is.

So where are we off to? The exotic, sun-soaked stairs of The Miami?

 

Or the Fitness Instructor-owned ecotourism resorts of Jamaica?

Or the technicolor seashores of Florida?

Well none of them - we'll be in Venice. But I don't have a corresponding workout just yet. Perhaps Francesco Borgato - Venice's most famous pop star - will film a dance workout filmed by the Grand Canal.

That would certainly be a dream come true for everyone.

Milton Berle – Low Impact / High Comedy Workout

The name Milton Berle meant absolutely nothing to me prior to doing this workout. So in case you’re me, Milton Berle was an actor, comedian and the first major US television star. I don’t think you’re me, though. I’m me over here. You’re you. That’s how individual reflective consciousness works. Without that we might as well be living in a Charlie Kaufman movie.

If you’re an American then you are (a) definitely not me (I’m not an American. I’ve been tested) and (b) likely to be more familiar with Uncle Miltie, “Mister Television.”

Mister. Goddamn. Television.

I’m certainly not looking to disparage the man. He appeared on the Muppet Show for goodness sake. The proper one back in the 1970s. This makes him approximately 80 bazillion times more famous than any other celebrity we’ve featured here. Did Marky Mark ever get to do a duet with Fozzie Bear? Did Cher? Well, Milton Berle did AND he sang with Rowlf the dog. Of course, fast-forward 17 years and he’s making this rubbish fitness DVD but you can’t peak forever.

The epitome of human achievement.

I really had no business watching this workout at all. At the beginning of the DVD, Laura Gladwin of the Aerobics and Fitness Association of America introduces us to a couple of charts – one to check our heart rate and the other showing how we can assign a number to how puffed out we are. I say “we”. The charts only cover the ages from 60 to 100. Anyone younger can fuck off back to Kim Kardashian’s “Fit in your Jeans by Friday” workout as far as Uncle Miltie is concerned.

You know descriptions are supposed to be descriptive, right?

Milton was 86 when this workout was made. This would be impressive if he actually took part in any of the exercises but he doesn’t. He confines himself to watching from the sidelines mostly offscreen occasionally addressing a humorous remark to camera. Sometimes he offers advice while trapped inside a floating rectangle like one of the bad guys in Superman II.

Just don't let it smash, for god's sake.

Milton’s other contribution  to the workout are a couple comedy sections where he dresses up as celebrity fitness gurus Richard Simmons and Jane Fonda and makes some terrible jokes. “I don’t allow any of my pupils to drink, smoke or have sex.” says ‘Jane Fonda’, “at least until the workout is over.”  His posse don’t actually fall about laughing but this is largely because their hips wouldn’t be able to take to take the strain. They’re doubled up with mirth, though. I suspect this is because they are delighted to have been invited along and are far too well mannered not to laugh at Berle’s gags.

Tell me I'm funny. Please.

The interesting thing about the comedy segments is that we are encouraged to carry on working out while they are going on. “Remember to keep moving during this next segment!” admonishes trainer Merrily Smith who then demonstrates some workout moves we can do whilst watching the hilarity unfurl. Thing is, once you have introduced the idea that you can exercise while watching something other than an exercise DVD, it raises the question of why you need to bother with the workouts at all. Why not just follow Merrily’s exercise tips and then watch the whole of Milton’s Muppet Show episode instead?

Because it's got Zelda Rose's Singing Owl in it.

That way you wouldn't have to watch Berle’s clumsily deliver baffling lines like “Oh God, I’d like to have the prune concession for this lot.” and “Were you a lifeguard at a waterbed motel?”

Instead you could enjoy  Berle being heckled by Statler and Waldorf which is much more fun.

“I have been a successful comedian half my life!” Berle tells them. To which Waldorf replies “How come we got this half?”

Berle: I’d like to see you come down here and be funny.

Waldorf: You first!

Difficulty Level

This workout is aimed at users aged up to 100 years old who may have limited mobility so it is safe to say that this is the easiest workout we’ve reviewed at CLCW.  Good thing too. If it had been like Josie Gibson’s workout from a couple of weeks ago, not all of the OAPs would have made it out.

The best bits

Would I do this workout again?

Maybe once I become a senior, this workout will make all kinds of sense. I’m sure I’ll appreciate a workout which enables me to jog on the spot while sitting in a chair.  If not, I’ve got a few decades yet to source out an alternative.

Weirdest Bit

Berle includes what he calls the cookery section and is in fact one recipe for baked fish and steamed vegetables. It is cooked by chef Patricia Hill who looks so uncomfortable in front of the camera that it is painful to watch. She looks moments away from running in the opposite direction while screaming at the top of her lungs. She is clearly utterly terrified of Berle.  I think he may threatened to kill her entire family if she didn’t take part. I wouldn’t put it past him.

Scream and I will cut you.

Worst Bit

Milton Berle was in show business for most his life. He started in music hall as a child and was still working a couple of years before his death in 2002. So I guess the guy must have been doing something right. In this video, however, he is absolutely terrible. The one thing worse than the quality of Berle’s gags is his delivery of them. He stops and starts. He messes up punch lines. Did the man learn nothing from his time working with Fozzie Bear?

One of the greatest comics of our time and his performing human.

Best Bit

The group of seniors doing this workout  absolutely delightful. They range in age from 62 to 91 and are keen and enthusiastic. It’s like watching a session at a very upbeat Old People’s home. They’re like the guys in Cocoon who were pretty sprightly even before they got alien-juiced up.

Berle couldn't afford these guys prices, though.

As the credits roll,  Milton, Merrily, and Milton’s non-exercising cameo-appearing brother, Phil are shown first and then each of the participants’ picture, name and age - starting with the oldest. On one hand it makes sense – highest billing based on seniority. On the other it makes the later entries seem very unimpressive. You nod an admiring head at Warren Helvey and Esther Prezant as their ages appear on the screen. “Still doing sit-ups at 91, Mr Helvey? Good on you sir. 81 years old, Mrs Prezant? Well I never! You don’t look a day over 78.”

It makes the septuagenarians look less remarkable by comparison and by the time you get to those in their sixties, you have to stop yourself berating them for daring to look like actual old people. “Why do you need that chair, eh Margaret Berry? You’re only 62. Warren Helvey’s not using a chair and he’s old enough to be your father!”

She's having a lovely time, mind.

Even the youngest amongst them will be over 80 by now. I wonder how many of the Milton Berle seniors are still with us.  I hope there are plenty of them still going enjoying their lives to the full. Maybe hanging out with their grandchildren and asking them if they want to hear about the time Grandma made a fitness video.

“You tell me every time I come over. Are you going to make me do the Charleston workout with you again?”

At the end of the DVD, Berle delivers what may be his only non-excruciating line of the whole workout.

“It’s people like you,” he says “that give aging a good name.”

Vicky Entwistle – Weight Off Workout

After last week’s Hollyoaks workout, now it’s Coronation Street’s turn. CLCW is clearly on a mission to prove that Eastenders doesn’t hold the monopoly on soap star related fitness DVDs.

Unlike Eastenders which takes place amongst the civilised postcodes of the South East of England, Coronation Street is set in the grim North and is full of characters who train whippets, make hotpots and speak as they find. Probably. Despite it being the world's longest-running TV soap opera in production, I’ve never actually watched an episode and have extrapolated all my understanding of the show from its theme music.

This week’s celebrity played Janice Battersby , the street’s loudmouth factory worker. Is there are a more northern-sounding name than Janice Battersby?

Well, yes there is. Vicky Entwistle. The name of the actress who played her.

Entwistle. Entwistle. It’s great, isn’t it? “Get Entwistle over t’mill. One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.”

Occasionally Coronation Street required her to dress as the Queen

Vicky Entwistle, like so many soap stars before her, has suffered the trauma of having her photograph taken from an unflattering angle by the tabloid paparazzi while daring to sport a swimming costume, no make-up and post-swimming hair.

Losing 2 stone and releasing a fitness DVD is one response. This would have been another.

Now much as I hate the shrub-skulking lowlifes who contribute these photos to the UK’s most exploitative newspapers, they do seem to provide the catalyst for a lot of the celebrity workouts that get reviewed here. Perhaps I  should concede that there is some virtue in what they do. Well, that’s clearly not going to happen. Total fucking scum. Every one of them.

In addition to losing 2 and a half stone, Vicky has also dropped 10 dress sizes which is a pretty startling weight loss/ dress size conversion rate however you slice it. Still given the disparity between size measurements across shops, I could drop 6 dress sizes just by selecting different items of clothing from my wardrobe so maybe that accounts for some of it.

Although there was definitely exercise involved as well.

Not that she isn’t clearly a fraction of the lady she used to be.  “I know I’m never going to be a supermodel,” she says in her introduction. “But I’m gobsmacked how much I’ve changed.” She seems like a nice lady. For the workout, she’s  rocking a vest-top and shorts combo which make her look ever so slightly like a tennis ball.

Ceci n'est pas une balle de tennis.

Vicky is joined by trainer Richard Callender who we last saw humouring Katie Price in the Jordan workout. He was also one of the trainers on the The Biggest Loser although it is hard to imagine as he seems like an absolute sweetie.

The sections of the workout are the Warm Up, Fat Burner, Body Tone and Belly Shrinker. The exercises are rather great. At the end of the cool down Vicky says, “Now I have to be honest with you. The first time I did this, I couldn’t walk for a couple of days afterwards.” You’re telling me this now, Entwistle? Don’t you think it’s a bit late for that? I may have stuff to do over the next couple of days that requires the use of my legs.
It’s now 24 hours since I did these exercises and luckily I don’t seem to have any trouble walking. Perhaps  I wasn’t pushing myself enough or  maybe I’m a lot fitter than Vicky was at the beginning of her fitness regime. It’s more than likely that Vicky has a tendency towards hyperbole. Actors often do, you know. Even the straight-talking Northern ones.

Best Bit

At the end of the obligatory “Making Of” DVD extra, we are shown Vicky variously eating a chocolate cupcake, drinking champagne and feeding Richard something that looks suspiciously like mashed potato with a massive spoon – like a baffling re-imagining of Bodger and Badger. I applaud such behaviour in a C-List Workout celeb. You wouldn’t get it from Penny “Chocolate Sniffer” Lancaster.

Party time!

Weirdest Bit

There are times during the workout that Richard has a perceptible outline round his head as though he has been super-imposed in the workout room via the magic of film camera trickery.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

I was going to make a joke about how the whole thing was really recorded in an alien space-station or in a magical fairy kingdom and they blue-screened it to make Richard appear like he was in a perfectly normal fitness studio.

Thing is, I’ve watched the DVD extra and it really does look like some of it was filmed in front a blue screen. I have no idea what’s real and what isn’t any more. Maybe none of these DVDs are really real. Maybe they just exist so that I can review them here like some kind of massively unsuccessful version of the Truman Show.

"That's great Vicky. Now we'll just get our CGI guys to painstakingly create an unremarkable workout space around you."

Is Richard Callender even a real person? I mean, sure I’ve seen him in the DVD extras but you know what, I’ve seen Buzz Lightyear in DVD extras and I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of trickery involved there too.

Worst Bit

Yet another pointless eating plan. There isn’t sufficient information here to plan anything. If the DVD producers aren't going to get Vicky back in to talk us through it and wave some Mange Tout at the camera, then quite frankly I’m not interested.

Or maybe dress as some Mange Tout. That would be good.

Difficulty Level

There are two types of ‘difficult’ when it comes to C-List Celebrity Workouts. Difficult to understand and difficult to do. It’s possible for a workout to be difficult because the instructor rattled through the instructions, didn’t really explain where your legs had to go and then expected to change from squats to lunges on no notice. It doesn’t mean that the workout necessarily did you much good.

Ideally you want the workout to be easy to understand but a bit of a challenge to complete which is exactly what Vicky Entwistle delivers here. Well, Richard Callender really deserves the credit but he wasn’t a cast member in the Best British Soap 2013 (according to the British Soap awards) so sorry, Rich.

Got this on your CV, Callender? No, didn't think so.

Everything is explained properly and demonstrated before you need to do it. In the warm-up section Richard introduces the new moves one at a time after making us complete the routine each time from the start. It’s the exercise version of that memory game where one person says “I want to the shops...” and you have to keep adding things to the list until someone forgets it.

Would I do this workout again?

Oh, I think so. I may be woefully ignorant with regard to most of Vicky Entwistle’s oeuvre but I’m happy to exercise with her again.