Milton Berle – Low Impact / High Comedy Workout

The name Milton Berle meant absolutely nothing to me prior to doing this workout. So in case you’re me, Milton Berle was an actor, comedian and the first major US television star. I don’t think you’re me, though. I’m me over here. You’re you. That’s how individual reflective consciousness works. Without that we might as well be living in a Charlie Kaufman movie.

If you’re an American then you are (a) definitely not me (I’m not an American. I’ve been tested) and (b) likely to be more familiar with Uncle Miltie, “Mister Television.”

Mister. Goddamn. Television.

I’m certainly not looking to disparage the man. He appeared on the Muppet Show for goodness sake. The proper one back in the 1970s. This makes him approximately 80 bazillion times more famous than any other celebrity we’ve featured here. Did Marky Mark ever get to do a duet with Fozzie Bear? Did Cher? Well, Milton Berle did AND he sang with Rowlf the dog. Of course, fast-forward 17 years and he’s making this rubbish fitness DVD but you can’t peak forever.

The epitome of human achievement.

I really had no business watching this workout at all. At the beginning of the DVD, Laura Gladwin of the Aerobics and Fitness Association of America introduces us to a couple of charts – one to check our heart rate and the other showing how we can assign a number to how puffed out we are. I say “we”. The charts only cover the ages from 60 to 100. Anyone younger can fuck off back to Kim Kardashian’s “Fit in your Jeans by Friday” workout as far as Uncle Miltie is concerned.

You know descriptions are supposed to be descriptive, right?

Milton was 86 when this workout was made. This would be impressive if he actually took part in any of the exercises but he doesn’t. He confines himself to watching from the sidelines mostly offscreen occasionally addressing a humorous remark to camera. Sometimes he offers advice while trapped inside a floating rectangle like one of the bad guys in Superman II.

Just don't let it smash, for god's sake.

Milton’s other contribution  to the workout are a couple comedy sections where he dresses up as celebrity fitness gurus Richard Simmons and Jane Fonda and makes some terrible jokes. “I don’t allow any of my pupils to drink, smoke or have sex.” says ‘Jane Fonda’, “at least until the workout is over.”  His posse don’t actually fall about laughing but this is largely because their hips wouldn’t be able to take to take the strain. They’re doubled up with mirth, though. I suspect this is because they are delighted to have been invited along and are far too well mannered not to laugh at Berle’s gags.

Tell me I'm funny. Please.

The interesting thing about the comedy segments is that we are encouraged to carry on working out while they are going on. “Remember to keep moving during this next segment!” admonishes trainer Merrily Smith who then demonstrates some workout moves we can do whilst watching the hilarity unfurl. Thing is, once you have introduced the idea that you can exercise while watching something other than an exercise DVD, it raises the question of why you need to bother with the workouts at all. Why not just follow Merrily’s exercise tips and then watch the whole of Milton’s Muppet Show episode instead?

Because it's got Zelda Rose's Singing Owl in it.

That way you wouldn't have to watch Berle’s clumsily deliver baffling lines like “Oh God, I’d like to have the prune concession for this lot.” and “Were you a lifeguard at a waterbed motel?”

Instead you could enjoy  Berle being heckled by Statler and Waldorf which is much more fun.

“I have been a successful comedian half my life!” Berle tells them. To which Waldorf replies “How come we got this half?”

Berle: I’d like to see you come down here and be funny.

Waldorf: You first!

Difficulty Level

This workout is aimed at users aged up to 100 years old who may have limited mobility so it is safe to say that this is the easiest workout we’ve reviewed at CLCW.  Good thing too. If it had been like Josie Gibson’s workout from a couple of weeks ago, not all of the OAPs would have made it out.

The best bits

Would I do this workout again?

Maybe once I become a senior, this workout will make all kinds of sense. I’m sure I’ll appreciate a workout which enables me to jog on the spot while sitting in a chair.  If not, I’ve got a few decades yet to source out an alternative.

Weirdest Bit

Berle includes what he calls the cookery section and is in fact one recipe for baked fish and steamed vegetables. It is cooked by chef Patricia Hill who looks so uncomfortable in front of the camera that it is painful to watch. She looks moments away from running in the opposite direction while screaming at the top of her lungs. She is clearly utterly terrified of Berle.  I think he may threatened to kill her entire family if she didn’t take part. I wouldn’t put it past him.

Scream and I will cut you.

Worst Bit

Milton Berle was in show business for most his life. He started in music hall as a child and was still working a couple of years before his death in 2002. So I guess the guy must have been doing something right. In this video, however, he is absolutely terrible. The one thing worse than the quality of Berle’s gags is his delivery of them. He stops and starts. He messes up punch lines. Did the man learn nothing from his time working with Fozzie Bear?

One of the greatest comics of our time and his performing human.

Best Bit

The group of seniors doing this workout  absolutely delightful. They range in age from 62 to 91 and are keen and enthusiastic. It’s like watching a session at a very upbeat Old People’s home. They’re like the guys in Cocoon who were pretty sprightly even before they got alien-juiced up.

Berle couldn't afford these guys prices, though.

As the credits roll,  Milton, Merrily, and Milton’s non-exercising cameo-appearing brother, Phil are shown first and then each of the participants’ picture, name and age - starting with the oldest. On one hand it makes sense – highest billing based on seniority. On the other it makes the later entries seem very unimpressive. You nod an admiring head at Warren Helvey and Esther Prezant as their ages appear on the screen. “Still doing sit-ups at 91, Mr Helvey? Good on you sir. 81 years old, Mrs Prezant? Well I never! You don’t look a day over 78.”

It makes the septuagenarians look less remarkable by comparison and by the time you get to those in their sixties, you have to stop yourself berating them for daring to look like actual old people. “Why do you need that chair, eh Margaret Berry? You’re only 62. Warren Helvey’s not using a chair and he’s old enough to be your father!”

She's having a lovely time, mind.

Even the youngest amongst them will be over 80 by now. I wonder how many of the Milton Berle seniors are still with us.  I hope there are plenty of them still going enjoying their lives to the full. Maybe hanging out with their grandchildren and asking them if they want to hear about the time Grandma made a fitness video.

“You tell me every time I come over. Are you going to make me do the Charleston workout with you again?”

At the end of the DVD, Berle delivers what may be his only non-excruciating line of the whole workout.

“It’s people like you,” he says “that give aging a good name.”

Cher – A New Attitude

Cher was the 1980s. It was ALL about her. Oh sure there might have been a few other things happening – the occasional war here, the odd nuclear meltdownthere. Some royals got married. But that was merely a footnote to whatever Cher was doing at the time. Ask anyone.

Cher first became known in authentically black and white 1960s when she used to duet with Gerard Depardieu singing the song from Groundhog Day. 

She kept herself busy doing TV work in the 1970s but it was all treading water, really. She was just biding her time until she could Mega-Cher it to the max eighties-stylee. She starred in righteous and schweet movies like Mask, Witches of Eastwick and Moonstruck. And she released some bodacious records. Any woman who listened to a Cher 1980s power ballad became emancipated just from the radiation alone.

Shit's about to go down, witches.

Her video for “If I could turn back time” was apparently the first music video to be banned by MTV. There’s no untoward behaviour in the video, save for Cher nicking a sailor’s hat and sitting astride a cannon in a manner that is in no way suggestive. I imagine that the decision to ban the video was entirely based on her outfit. 

Is anyone else feeling a breeze?

This seems a tad harsh. Perhaps wearing what appears to be a sheer body stocking with a couple of bits of gaffer tape for modesty may be a trifle risqué. But let’s face it, who hasn’t left the house to meet some sailors in a tearing hurry absent-mindedly forgetting they had only got half-way through putting on their BDSM Dominatrix outfit? I know I certainly have.

Cher continues to be awesome here in the 21^st century. Mostly by being crazy as fuck on Twitter.  Do you want fanatical rants, non-sequiturs, a totally disregard for punctuation marks and EVERYTHING IN CAPITALS? Of course you do. This is Twitter we’re talking about. Following Cher will make you very happy indeed. It’s like Cher has distilled the very essence of Twitter and has made novelty cocktails out of it.

These were literally Cher's last five tweets at the time I wrote this review.

This workout video was released by Cher in 1991. Cher describes introduces it by saying “Have I got a gift for you ... It’s a present of my own personal workout programme.”

Thanks, Cher. I appreciate the gift, I really do. I mean, I was dropping hints about some new socks but the workout’s lovely. It’s just that – and I don’t want to sound ungrateful here – did you have to dial down the crazy quite so much?

Because if there is one thing I want from Cher it’s a devil-may-care attitude to normalcy.

Gold battle bikini, for example is an acceptable level of crazy.

Don’t get me wrong, in some ways she delivers admirably. Her outfit for the Step Workout is a thing of wondrousness. She looks like a cross between a Wild West prostitute and a Goth in babydoll pyjamas. You know Helena Bonham’s outfit in Tim Burton’s version of Sweeney Todd? Imagine an extra scene where her character gets the bottom half of her outfit ripped off after accidentally trapping it in a carriage door. And then does a fitness workout.

That aside, it is a very sensibly put together programme. There are three sections: ‘Step Workout’, ‘Healthy Back and Abdominals’ and ‘Hips, Bottoms and Thighs’. Cher is joined by her personal trainer, Keli Roberts and they deliver a workout which is comprehensive, well-explained and nicely challenging.

Things were a lot blurrier in the early 90s

It’s all very disappointing. I don’t want to know that Cher’s exercise regime consists of doing steps, squats, stretches and aerobics. Before I watched this, if you’d asked me how I thought Cher kept in shape I would have hazarded a guess that it was a combination of python wrestling, cat burglary and vigorous perverted sex.

Thanks for ruining the magic, Cher. Great gift.

Best Bit

The music is just fantastic. There’s everything from Dusty Springfield to Billy Idol. At one point Cher says to Keli “Stop talking! I love this song.” Brilliantly, the song in question is Cher’s own “Love and Understanding.”

Face it, she just knows how awesome she is.

Difficulty Level

Cher herself says “This programme is challenging. It’s not impossible but it’s challenging.” And she’s not wrong. Especially if by ‘challenging’ you mean ‘unbelievably hard work.’

Luckily Cher also says “You don’t have to start out perfect. You just have to start.” I was about as far from perfect as it is possible to be. I hope Cher would have been proud of me.

Cher throws down a challenge.

Would I do this workout again?

This workout is currently only available on VHS so I have to go through a bit of logistical nightmare if I want to watch it. Unplug stuff. Plug in other stuff. Rewind the fricking tape. You can appreciate my problem.

Ideally Cher should re-release her workouts on DVD. Better yet, she should release a brand new one. She is just about to release a new album and she still looks absolutely fantastic.

Go on, Cher. Only this time forget all the stuff with the sit-ups and muscle stretches. Show us how you really do it.

This sort of thing, perhaps.

Bonnie Franklin - I Hate to Exercise, I Love to Tap

At one point during one of the interminable instruction sequences which make up this workout, Bonnie Franklin shouts “You can do it! It’s as easy as walking!” Which is sort of true. It’s as dull as walking, that’s for sure.

Bonnie Franklin was a US actress who died last month of pancreatic cancer. She is best known for playing the lead character in the sitcom “One day at a time” from 1975 to 1984. I’m not sure if this show was broadcast in the UK. Looking at the DVD cover it appears to be about a bunch of women trapped inside a picture frame by a creepy Salvador Dali-esque figure.

Disappointingly, it turns out that it was about a single mom making a new life for herself and her teenage daughters and  tackling such hilarious subjects as sexual harassment and suicide.

And brownies.

 

I Hate to Exercise, I Love to Tap! was released in 1984 just as One day at a time was finishing and Franklin was presumably scouting around for new projects. In the introduction, she says that used to tap dance with Donald “Singin’ in the Rain” O’Connor on  The Colgate Hour when she was 9 years old so you know she’s already waaaay ahead of us.

She appears eager to bring us up to speed though and spends a lot time telling us what our options are. We can do it in soft shoes. We can do it in taps. We can do it on a board.  We can do it on carpet. We can do it alone. We can do it with our kids. We can do it with friends. We can do it every day. Or a few times a week. Bonnie is keen to stress our many options. The implication though is that failure to do the workout at all is NOT AN OPTION.
 

There is a grinding relentlessness to the instruction. It’s over an hour long. And it just consists of Bonnie in her odd outfit in an empty school assembly hall tap dancing while an elderly music teacher provides the piano accompaniment off-screen.
 

 

Bonnie shows us each of the core steps – including the slap, the stamp and the brush - and then once the instruction has started barely says a word to us other than the name of whatever move we’re supposed to do repeated again and again and again.

My notes for this DVD basically consist of words like “Brush hop stamp slap” repeated endlessly for pages.

After this,  I murdered my family with an axe because yolo

I don’t know if anyone ever learnt to tap dance using this video. It seems unlikely. You would probably be better off getting Ned Wayburn’s The Art of Stage Dancing and following the instructional diagrams.

The evolution of flappers

I’m sure Bonnie was a delightful lady but this DVD is a pretty joyless experience. There are only so many close-up shots of Bonnies’ feet tap-tapping on the ground anyone can be expected to take before screaming “I take it all back! I don’t hate exercise after all!” and running for the hills.
 

Difficulty Level

The moves aren’t tricky in any way – I can stick my hands in my pockets and stamp my feet as well as the next person. I did have a constant struggle not to slip into a boredom-induced coma. Tap dancing is supposed to be fun. Why did I feel I was being punished for something?

 

Only 8000 repetitions to go 

Would I do this workout again?

No. Please don’t make me. I already feel I have Franklin’s instructions on a permanent loop in my head. It’s the aural equivalent of playing Tetris for hours and still seeing the blocks when you close your eyes.

Slap, Shuffle, Sliiiiide

Best Part

Bonnie’s Outfit. I imagine she kept adding things to her ensemble until she felt she’d struck just the right tone. “Blue tights and shiny red shoes with three-quarter-length trousers and a stripy top? Hmm it’s nice. But it’s missing something.  I know! I’ll add braces! Not quite there...  I’ll finish it off by partially tucking a massive hanky into my back pocket and - voila! - we’re good to go!”

 

Worst Part.

Even if you followed Franklin’s instructions to the letter, rewinding, reviewing and repeating as instructed and perfected every move; you would have to accept the fact that you’ll never be close to equalling this guy.

Susan Powter - Burn Fat and Get Fit

Susan Powter is, I understand, famous in the US for her “Stop the Insanity!” fitness infomercials. She published a book of the same name in 1994 and released this – her second workout DVD in the same year.

How to stop Insanity. Step 1: Place hands above ears.

She’s a strange shouty lady but she seems encouraging and enthusiastic in that evangelical way that ex-fat people sometimes have.

However, looking at her website, she appears to have gone full-on batshit crazy recently.

There is a section on the site called “Ask Susan” where people can ask for diet and exercise advice and Powter responds with nonsensical haikus inspired by a Magic 8-ball before being distracted by a shiny piece of paper or something.

Um... right? Thanks, Suse.

 

The below video is Susan’s attempt to improve your Self Esteem. Or tell you that Self-Esteem doesn’t matter. Or get you to buy her longer Self Esteem video. Or something else. I have absolutely no idea what’s happening here.

Still, back in the mid 90s Susan was on top of her game. She even appeared in an episode of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air in 1994 which is the nearest thing Americans have to a knighthood.

She was permitted to breathe the same air as this man. She is truly blessed.

‘Burn Fat and Get Fit’ is an interval training workout which Susan is keen to emphasize is suitable for all levels of fitness. She passionately cares that everybody gets moving regardless of current fitness levels. There are frequent reminders to modify the moves so even the rolliest polliest tubs of lards can jog on the spot if we can’t do the step ups, sit on a chair of we can’t do the floor exercises or enthusiastically nod our heads if we are comically stuck in the doorway or something.

She is joined by her two workout buddies Sally and Eric and claims that the workout is being filmed in her own home. In which case, it’s very nice. It could do with a bit more furniture though.

 

Also, is that ivy growing over your worktop?

Being an ex-fat person, Susan has a photo of her old glum tubby self to show us in the usual “Can you believe I literally used to weigh more than I do now?!?! Crazy, huh?” fashion. As it's a US workout, she is not required by law to stick this on the front of her DVD in greyed out tones otherwise reserved for miserylit as celebs are in the UK.

Susan talks non-stop. Her most used phrase is “Think about it!” which she utters hundreds of times over the course of 54 minutes.

“Knees forward. Think about it!”

“Chest press. Think about it!”

“The energy is in the ham strings. Think about it!”

STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO THINK, SUSAN POWTER!

During the leg strength exercises, she tells us: “This is the sort of strength that gets you out of the house. It gets you from the car to the house”. Thanks, Susan. I was actually already aware what legs are.

The workout includes both aerobic and anaerobic. Is it safe to combine the two? Or is it like mixing matter and anti-matter?

 

Weirdest Bit
Powter’s scary enthusiasm reaches fever pitch when she congratulates Sally on her breathing. “Listen to Sally breathing, class!” she shouts. I’m not sure if she’s means us at home who have no chance of hearing anything over Powter herself or if she means Eric who’s the only other person in the room. Quite an awkward moment for Eric, if so.

Difficulty Level

Even without modification, the workout is quite doable. You switch between jumping about stuff and stretching stuff and nothing goes on long enough to get really boring. This might be quite similar to the techniques used in Hannah Waterman’s workout a few weeks ago. If I retained any of the information from these workouts longer than the time it takes to write the reviews, I might be fairly knowledgeable on the subject by now.

Would I do this Workout again?

I haven’t decided yet. Maybe I should ask Susan.

Barbie - Dance Workout with Barbie

I know what you are going to say : “Are you shitting me? How the buggering fuck is Barbie a C-List celebrity, you whoremongering imbecile? Barbie is clearly a fucking A List celebrity if ever there was one.” And you’re right, CLCW reader. You’re harsh and you swear way too much but you’re right.

Barbie is probably the biggest celebrity there is. Except maybe the Queen. And until her Maj decides to release a “Right Royal Workout DVD” this is the starriest workout we’ve featured here.
Barbie has starred in 25 films tackling roles as diverse as Clara in the Nutcracker and Odette in Swan Lake as well as delivering a stunning performance in Toy Story 3.

The Many Faces of Barbie

 She played both the princess and the pauper in an imaginative retelling of the Mark Twain classic story which boldly reinterpreted the slums and political machinations of sixteenth century Britain as a magical fairyland full of pink glitter and wisecracking animals. Which is how Twain would have written it in the first place if he’d been any good.

 

See, this is how you put a story together

 

On top of her successful film career, she is also a certified pilot, ballerina, veterinarian, primary school teacher, computer programmer and member of the Starship Enterprise. Actually, forget what I said earlier about the Queen. She’s got nothing on Barbie. Frankly, I think we’re putting the wrong woman’s head on the stamps.

At some point in 1992, Barbie took time out from cheerleading, working at SeaWorld , training as a palaeontologist or whatever else she was doing released a dance workout video.

 

The video is also fronted by Barbie’s friend, Kim Breux. Well she says ‘friend’. Clearly Kim’s not in Barbie’s league at all but Barb’s a giver. She looks out for the little people. Not physically little in comparison with Barbie, obviously. Giant people.

I am choosing to believe that Kim Breux's surname is pronounced ‘Bro’ because I am saying it that way in my head. In Barney Stinson’s voice

I think Kim may have been a formative influence on Stephanie from Lazy Town who seems to have adopted her perky pink style and relentless enthusiasm as her own. The shiny, shiny leotard that Kim sports does rather make it look as though she is concealing a penis which is unfortunate. Unless of course she does have a penis in which case it’s grand and I fully support her decision to wear tight dancewear.

 

 

I was originally concerned that Barbie might pull a ‘Pussycat Dolls’ on us and rather than feature in the video, merely content herself with lending her brand to the exercise. But no! Barbie is on hand throughout the workout to demonstrate the Street Tap and the Sidewalk Strut

She doesn’t quite have the flexibility that she demonstrates nine years later dancing the Pas de Deux in the Nutcracker but what she lacks in believable animation, she more than makes up for in joie de vivre and awesome legwarmers.

 

As well as Kim, there are a herd of perky American tweens demonstrating the dance moves. They’re the sort of uber-confident little stage-school brats that I would have instinctively hated as a 9 year old. There a ‘freestyle’ section of the dance where everyone is encouraged to express themselves however they want and the dancers can’t help but fall into step with one another. The producers may have misjudged the desirability of ‘doing your own thing’ to girls of this age. Conformity is everything.

Perkiest of all the little princesses is ‘Love’ who bops around next to Kim and wears a look of such deranged enthusiasm that she appears to be tripping.

Turns out that Love is Jennifer Love Hewitt, star of ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ and ‘The Ghost Whisperer’ and author of the seminal discourse on relationships: “The Day I Shot Cupid”.

The workout also features Jennifer Fenton who went on to appear in an episode of Baywatch 4 years later and Arike Rice who has 7 films in her IMDB listing including The Rum Diary as “dancer” and Hairspray as a member of the dance group the Dynamites. She also appeared as “Club Dancer” in Centre Stage: Turn it Up and “Casino Dancer” in Viva Laughlin. Which proves Barbie can spot dancing talent when she sees it.

 

Although she leaves the bulk of the work to Kim, Barbie is constantly on hand with encouragement. “Great job, everybody!” she says, “You’re wonderful!” and most importantly, “You’re doing fine if you can still say “I’m OK””.

Which is a handy maxim for life. Barbie knows about these things. She’s probably a trained Cognitive Behavioural Therapist.

Best Bit
Jennifer Love Hewitt was also responsible for the songs on this video which are a bunch of perky little upbeat numbers which encourage you to don your leotard and bright pink legwarmers and start doing the Barbie Basic. The best move was the Hoppy Bunny. Who doesn’t love a good hop?

Worst Bit

There you are bopping along to Love’s singing and soaking up Barbie’s feelgood spirit like an emotional vampire then suddenly – Bam! – it’s all over. The workout is only 30 minutes long. There are no sections, no separate cool down session, not even a costume change which is something I always look forward to on a C List celebrity workout. Barbie’s costume changes would have been fabulous. I don’t believe for a minute that the woman only has one keep fit outfit.

Of course she doesn't

Difficulty Level

While this wasn’t the hardest dance workout I’ve done, it wasn’t exactly a breeze. I think the manufacturers of this workout were relying on girls in the 6 to 11 bracket relentlessly watching the video over and over again until their moves were perfect and their manic grins were permanently etched on their faces.

Would I do this Workout again?

You know I would but I’m not sure I’m going to have the time. Watching this has made realise the gaping holes in my Barbie film knowledge. Would you believe I’ve not seen one of the Fairytopia oeuvre? Not to mention my shocking lack of understanding of the themes of Barbie: Princess Charm School. If Barbie can take the trouble to become a United States Navy Petty Officer and an Ambassador for World Peace, the very least I can do is fully apprise myself of the extent of her contribution to the arts.