Nell McAndrew – Maximum Impact

Nell McAndrew’s Maximum Impact Workout is, according to the box, “filmed in the exotic Miami”. Don’t get too excited though, any fans of The Miami out there. All you get to see are some steps and the edge of a swimming pool. Granted they are very nice steps. They know how to put steps together in The Miami.

The Miami. Come for the sunshine. Stay for the steps.

Glamour model and Yorkshire Water spokesperson, Nell is joined by her fitness instructor, Liam Duffy and three other workout buddies. No-one other than Nell gets an introduction – or even a close up – on this DVD. Luckily,  I had plenty of time to stare at them while I was doing this workout and I think I have figured out each of their back stories.

Liam Duffy masquerades as a fitness instructor and is using Nell McAndrew’s workout DVD as a cover for his gang of top international villains – Bailey, Carla and Tammy Mae. The rest of the gang refer to Nell as ‘The Duchess’. They are planning a heist of Ann Hamilton’s The Capacity of Absorption at the Miami Art Museum

Bailey, here, is the world’s foremost  security expert and lock picker. He could get into the most heavily guarded room in under 4 seconds using a cell phone battery and a paper clip. He used to work for the CIA but switched sides when he realised that he only wanted to look out for the most important person in his life. Himself.

This is Tammy Mae. Don’t be fooled by her wide smile and sugar-sweet appearance. Tammy might spend her days planning bake sales and helping out at little league, but after dusk she’s a ruthless knife expert and assassin. She’d slit a man’s throat in a heartbeat and she wouldn’t stop smiling while she did it.

Carla is the brains of the outfit. She is also the world’s best explosives airport. You want a bang big enough to bring down the Miami Tower concealed in a lipstick case? Carla will sort you out. She doesn’t say much but when she does, you can be sure you need to listen.

Disappointingly the DVD credits reveal that their names are actually Michael, Heather and Michele. I’m sure I got the rest of the information right, though.

The gang at workBest Bit
Liam’s pretty stern throughout however he does break character at one point and say “Ooh good tune” when the repetitive beats which make up the soundtrack changed to slightly different repetitive beats. It’s nice to know that he’s enjoying himself.

Worst Bit
There is only one DVD extra on here – a “Behind the Scenes” look at the making of this workout. Why do celebrities think that we want to see how they put their workout DVDs things together?

We know how it works - people turn up put up some lights, put the camera thingies together and film a celebrity in shorts. They then flog the result in Asda for £9.99.

It’s not the Matrix. No-one’s watching Maximum Impact wondering how on earth they managed to do that effect where Nell lifted her leg slightly in the air. And if you were then you are going to be disappointed here. This extra is about 30 seconds long and basically looks like camera phone footage of Nell wandering around set. She does eat a banana at one point. That’s a highlight.

This isn't part of the DVD extras.

 

Difficulty Level.
Oh my god, this was difficult. There are four sections – warm up, interval training, resistance routine and floor work and Liam and Nell work you pretty hard in all of them. I was a big mound of sweaty, heavy-breathing exhaustion by the end of this. Which is, I suppose, the point of these things. It’s easy to forget that sometimes.

Marathon running is not required as part of the workout

There are no beginner’s options available here. No “Follow Tammy Mae here if you can’t do the difficult moves.” As far as Liam is considered, it’s Shape Up or Ship Out. Or you could take the third option – attempt to do all the moves but do them really, really badly – which is what I went for.

Would I do this workout again?
You know I think I actually might do with this one. The punishing routines and the glamour of The Miami is calling me back.

Nell McAndrew used to be the model for Tomb Raider’s Lara Croft. I am not too sure what this entails but I presume it involves jumping from high ledges, running around archaeological sites and having to take on monsters in one-to-one combat. No wonder she's so fit.

Nell does baffling Euro-telly, looks baffled.

 



My arms are actually hurting as I type this. See, Anne Diamond? You just didn’t offer me enough pain.

Barbie - Dance Workout with Barbie

I know what you are going to say : “Are you shitting me? How the buggering fuck is Barbie a C-List celebrity, you whoremongering imbecile? Barbie is clearly a fucking A List celebrity if ever there was one.” And you’re right, CLCW reader. You’re harsh and you swear way too much but you’re right.

Barbie is probably the biggest celebrity there is. Except maybe the Queen. And until her Maj decides to release a “Right Royal Workout DVD” this is the starriest workout we’ve featured here.
Barbie has starred in 25 films tackling roles as diverse as Clara in the Nutcracker and Odette in Swan Lake as well as delivering a stunning performance in Toy Story 3.

The Many Faces of Barbie

 She played both the princess and the pauper in an imaginative retelling of the Mark Twain classic story which boldly reinterpreted the slums and political machinations of sixteenth century Britain as a magical fairyland full of pink glitter and wisecracking animals. Which is how Twain would have written it in the first place if he’d been any good.

 

See, this is how you put a story together

 

On top of her successful film career, she is also a certified pilot, ballerina, veterinarian, primary school teacher, computer programmer and member of the Starship Enterprise. Actually, forget what I said earlier about the Queen. She’s got nothing on Barbie. Frankly, I think we’re putting the wrong woman’s head on the stamps.

At some point in 1992, Barbie took time out from cheerleading, working at SeaWorld , training as a palaeontologist or whatever else she was doing released a dance workout video.

 

The video is also fronted by Barbie’s friend, Kim Breux. Well she says ‘friend’. Clearly Kim’s not in Barbie’s league at all but Barb’s a giver. She looks out for the little people. Not physically little in comparison with Barbie, obviously. Giant people.

I am choosing to believe that Kim Breux's surname is pronounced ‘Bro’ because I am saying it that way in my head. In Barney Stinson’s voice

I think Kim may have been a formative influence on Stephanie from Lazy Town who seems to have adopted her perky pink style and relentless enthusiasm as her own. The shiny, shiny leotard that Kim sports does rather make it look as though she is concealing a penis which is unfortunate. Unless of course she does have a penis in which case it’s grand and I fully support her decision to wear tight dancewear.

 

 

I was originally concerned that Barbie might pull a ‘Pussycat Dolls’ on us and rather than feature in the video, merely content herself with lending her brand to the exercise. But no! Barbie is on hand throughout the workout to demonstrate the Street Tap and the Sidewalk Strut

She doesn’t quite have the flexibility that she demonstrates nine years later dancing the Pas de Deux in the Nutcracker but what she lacks in believable animation, she more than makes up for in joie de vivre and awesome legwarmers.

 

As well as Kim, there are a herd of perky American tweens demonstrating the dance moves. They’re the sort of uber-confident little stage-school brats that I would have instinctively hated as a 9 year old. There a ‘freestyle’ section of the dance where everyone is encouraged to express themselves however they want and the dancers can’t help but fall into step with one another. The producers may have misjudged the desirability of ‘doing your own thing’ to girls of this age. Conformity is everything.

Perkiest of all the little princesses is ‘Love’ who bops around next to Kim and wears a look of such deranged enthusiasm that she appears to be tripping.

Turns out that Love is Jennifer Love Hewitt, star of ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ and ‘The Ghost Whisperer’ and author of the seminal discourse on relationships: “The Day I Shot Cupid”.

The workout also features Jennifer Fenton who went on to appear in an episode of Baywatch 4 years later and Arike Rice who has 7 films in her IMDB listing including The Rum Diary as “dancer” and Hairspray as a member of the dance group the Dynamites. She also appeared as “Club Dancer” in Centre Stage: Turn it Up and “Casino Dancer” in Viva Laughlin. Which proves Barbie can spot dancing talent when she sees it.

 

Although she leaves the bulk of the work to Kim, Barbie is constantly on hand with encouragement. “Great job, everybody!” she says, “You’re wonderful!” and most importantly, “You’re doing fine if you can still say “I’m OK””.

Which is a handy maxim for life. Barbie knows about these things. She’s probably a trained Cognitive Behavioural Therapist.

Best Bit
Jennifer Love Hewitt was also responsible for the songs on this video which are a bunch of perky little upbeat numbers which encourage you to don your leotard and bright pink legwarmers and start doing the Barbie Basic. The best move was the Hoppy Bunny. Who doesn’t love a good hop?

Worst Bit

There you are bopping along to Love’s singing and soaking up Barbie’s feelgood spirit like an emotional vampire then suddenly – Bam! – it’s all over. The workout is only 30 minutes long. There are no sections, no separate cool down session, not even a costume change which is something I always look forward to on a C List celebrity workout. Barbie’s costume changes would have been fabulous. I don’t believe for a minute that the woman only has one keep fit outfit.

Of course she doesn't

Difficulty Level

While this wasn’t the hardest dance workout I’ve done, it wasn’t exactly a breeze. I think the manufacturers of this workout were relying on girls in the 6 to 11 bracket relentlessly watching the video over and over again until their moves were perfect and their manic grins were permanently etched on their faces.

Would I do this Workout again?

You know I would but I’m not sure I’m going to have the time. Watching this has made realise the gaping holes in my Barbie film knowledge. Would you believe I’ve not seen one of the Fairytopia oeuvre? Not to mention my shocking lack of understanding of the themes of Barbie: Princess Charm School. If Barbie can take the trouble to become a United States Navy Petty Officer and an Ambassador for World Peace, the very least I can do is fully apprise myself of the extent of her contribution to the arts.

Penny Lancaster – Ultimate Body Workout

The DVD I have is titled the “Hot Legs Workout” and in tiny writing on the back of the box, is the message “previously released as the Ultimate Body Workout” which is the name that’s splashed throughout the DVD on the menu, credits and before every single section.

You can't fool me. I can read words.

So why change it? Is there a “Hot Legs” reference I’m not getting? Or is this a cunning ploy to try to get people who loved the workout under its original name to accidentally buy it all over again. In which case, shame on you, Penny Lancaster!

The DVD I had looked like the cover had been badly printed on a printer that was running out of yellow. It was definitely legit though, I bought it in Poundland. It still had the cellophane on it and everything,

Nothing but the best for you people

Penny Lancaster is a model, reality show star and the wife of croaky voiced crooner, Rod Stewart for the past five years. The pair presumably having bonded over their shared love of big shaggy hairstyles.

For the workout, Penny is joined by her qualified fitness instructor brother Oliver Lancaster and his girlfriend Louise Crocker.

I have no idea why.

The pair literally do not say a word for the entirety of the DVD.  Penny takes centre stage and does all the talking. The other two just silently get on with her routine in the background. I’m not sure they even make eye contact with her.

I worry they might have had a massive spat just before shooting and Penny cut all her brother’s lines along with a planned “Robot-style Jazzacise” routine in the middle.

Do not say a word, you two.

Penny herself is a trained aerobics instructor and used to do this sort of thing for a living before she took up modelling and married into pop royalty. She tells us that these are her own personally choreographed routines and excitedly tells us that the routines contain:

• Muscular Strength & Endurance exercises
• Aerobics
• Cardio-Vascular exercises
• Boxing
• Dance
• Yoga
• Pilates
• Even Floor Work!

Even Floor Work? Seriously, Penny? You thought that was the best one to leave to the end, did you? That was the special treat that would get us all excited.

 

Penny Lancaster : A Model

This picture has nothing to do with the previous sentence.

 

For all its build up, it’s a pretty humdrum set of exercises to be honest.  Maybe I’ve just been spoilt by other celebrities.

The warm up reminded me of the Wii Fit Step. It consisted of taking steps to forward then the odd step to the side. All it really lacked was an audience of Miis living in a world so starved of entertainment that they’ll applaud wildly at anything.

This is the level of appreciation I need

 

The DVD extras contain an interview with Penny with a very over-excited interviewer who doesn’t seem to warrant a mention on the credits.  I bet she’s a T4 presenter. She’s got that vibe about her.

Who is this woman?

“So” our unnamed lady squeaks, “Rod’s inside having lunch! You’ve got the beach outside! And you’re just about to shoot a fitness video! Is this just a normal day in your life?!”

To be fair, love, her husband having his lunch probably is a fairly routine occurrence. I don’t believe Rod was really on set. Surely they’d have dragged him in for one scene just so they could stick a special “Appearance by Rod Stewart!” sticker on the box. He wouldn’t have to do a routine or anything. Maybe just dribble a football in the back of the shot in order to sprinkle some A List Celebrity fairydust on the whole endeavour.

Penny takes her man for a walk

Still, young Penny is clearly a strong, independent woman.  She was originally approached to make a fitness DVD as a model alongside her very own Radu Teodorescu or Roy Gayle. But she was clearly all “Nu-Uh. You think I got those aerobics instructor certificates for nothing? I’m running this show!”

She says that she took the project on 5 weeks before the shooting began. Initially, it sounds like short notice but if you think about it all, she had to do was come up with some routines – which she claims she does all the time in her real life anyway.  I doubt very much she had to take responsibility for booking the location or hiring the camera crew. Hell, I reckon even I could throw together a fitness video in less than 5 weeks. Mine wouldn’t have Rod Stewart in it either.

Of course, Rod really should release his own workout.

Best Bit

Penny tells us about her eating habits. Initially maintaining that she eats just a regular person, she then recommends that rather than eat chocolate, you should just sniff instead as a low calorie alternative. I’m not sure anyone who can pick chocolate up, smell it and then set it down again is an actual human being. When hostile aliens start infiltrating our planet and attempting to disguise themselves among us, this is one of the tests that humans will use.

This lovely Penny Lancaster collage was on www.bestcelebwallpapers.com.

I think it may be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Worst Bit

The style in which this workout is shot with colour footage intercut with grainy black and white is reminiscent of fellow model Cindy Crawford’s workouts. I suspect that she is deliberately paying homage. Which seems a bit sad, really. Penny Lancaster is literally the poundshop Cindy Crawford.

Using one colour camera and one black and white camera, she could have paid homage the Blair Witch Project instead. That would have been great.  Everyone loves Celebrity Workouts. Everybody loves horror. Why has nobody ever made a crossover?

Difficulty Level

Silent Louise was quietly getting on with the beginner level moves in the background but nothing was all that taxing here. Which on the one hand is great because I like my life to be easy but on the other hand, leads me to suspect that Penny doesn’t just rely on these moves in order to keep herself in shape. I suppose sniffing your food rather than actually eating it must help though.

Would I do this work out again?
Nah, life’s too short to be joining uninteresting models jogging on the spot in locations that are presumably meant to look tropical but actually look a bit cold and windy.

Unlike this sunny location where Rod is literally having to use his wife as a sunshade.

Although, if she keeps releasing this workout under different names, there’s every chance that I’ll review the “Penny Lancaster: Wearing Shorts by a Swimming Pool Workout” or something in a year’s time and just think the whole thing looks terribly familiar.

Cindy Crawford – Shape Your Body

 This workout was first released in 1992. Presumably on VHS or by means of a zoetrope. This is probably why there are no extras on the DVD. We didn’t need extras in 1992. We just sat dumbstruck in front of the magical moving pictures, occasionally shaking the television to see if the tiny people fell out.

Apparently, though, we did know how to make excellent workout videos in 1992. And when I say ‘we’ I mean people other than me obviously. In 1992 I was too busy dying my hair purple and getting drunk on snakebite and black.

Cindy Crawford’s workout is amazing. She introduces us to our trainer Radu Teodorescu at the beginning and tells us “Everyone thinks that I have the perfect body because I model swimsuits”

 I have no idea why anyone would think that.

The workout begins on a beach with Radu giving the instructions off-screen. He sounds like a cross between Steve Zissou and Pepe le Pew. The whole sequence is surreal yet mesmerising.

 Radu also sounds like he’s telling Cindy to move her arms “Upridee, Downbridown”. For which I respect him.

When it switches to the studio, it is a little disappointing to see Radu in person. I prefer him as a disembodied cartoon voiceover. He’s tough with Cindy too. “If he counts too fast, don’t let him rush you” Cindy tells us at one point. In response to this Radu picks up the speed and ensures that Cindy does not get to rest for a second. It’s like the bit where the demanding dance instructor bullies the ingénue ballerina in every ballet movie you’ve ever seen.

“I said, ‘Upridee, Downbridown’ godammit!”

Either that or the whole video is an extended training montage from an inspirational underdog movie . Crawford carries out her workout on top of a building with sirens blaring in the background. Now she’s in a basement! Now she’s on the beach! She’s just a plucky girl trying to pursue her dreams of becoming a supermodel aided only by the cranky French janitor who works in her apartment.

The DVD contains two 40 minute workouts and a 10 minute Jump-Start Mini Workout. The Mini Workout is terribly casual. Cindy wears cut-off jeans and no shoes. Radu is nowhere to be seen. (Or heard.) Maybe this is Cindy’s idea of slacking off when Radu’s nipped out for a coffee and a pain au chocolat.

"Great, he's not here! Time for some sit-ups."

 

The whole thing is marvellous. It’s been put together and produced with care and attention. Not something I can say about any of the other workout DVDs I have reviewed so far. The hastily cobbled-together shit put out by soap stars and reality tv has-beens is going to look even more slapdash after this. I wish I’d watched this one at the very beginning. I could have hated Nadia’s Latino Dance workout even more than I already did.

Difficulty Level.
This was incredibly difficult and, to be fair, Cindy doesn’t pretend otherwise. There’s no perky whooping here like she’s Jordan or Jessie Wallace or something. This is work. We are not here to enjoy ourselves.

And if doing eight hundred crunches, lunges, sit-ups and the like is the price you have to pay to look like this then so be it.

Disclaimer: Doing Cindy Crawford’s workout video will almost certainly not result in you looking like this.

Best Bit
I could go on about Cindy Crawford’s luscious honeyed golden looks and how she looks like a Disney Princess made flesh and how her smiles probably cure terminally ill children but, you know, I think I may have a bit of a girl-crush on Cindy and I should probably tone it down a bit.

Instead I’ll concentrate on the soundtrack. This is the third DVD in a row which has featured proper songs – rather than anodyne plinky-plonky lift music. It is the first workout DVD, however, which has featured songs I actually want to listen to. Stuff I have on my spotify playlist, no less. More than half of it is by Primal Scream which is an enormous improvement on the Pussycat Dolls.

Would I do this workout again?
I feel like someone who’s been drinking meths out of a brown paper bag their whole life and then been given a bottle of Veuve Clicquot. I had no idea exercise DVDs could be this way. I may just review Cindy Crawford’s Shape your Body every week from now on.

Of course, if I do decide to do that, the exercises will definitely kill me.