Letitia Dean - Lean Routine

So Christmas is over and it’s back to the humdrum routine that is normal life.

And you don’t get more humdrum than Letitia Dean’s workout featuring C-List Celeb’s favourite trainer, Dee Thresher. Dee is something of an expert at whipping Eastenders actresses into shape having previously worked her magic on Natalie Cassidy and Charlie Brooks.

As you know if you regularly consult your Workout-Releasing Eastenders Actors Knowledge Sheet. Which I'm sure you do.

And this is just more of the same really. Same skippety-hop dance moves, same celeb weigh-in, same stupid pointless diet plan. It’s fine. It does what you expect it to. It just seems like Dee found a formula that works and is careful not to deviate one tiny inch from it.

Pictured: skippety-hop dance moves

The only exciting variation on the previous workouts is the unusual decision to stage the whole thing in a hall somewhere which is apparently already furnished for a wedding reception taking place later that day.

"We need to lay the tables now but don't worry, we'll work around you."

Letitia Dean doesn’t have much to say during the workout although she sounds chirpy and disarmingly posh when she does say something. Safe to say that Letitia Dean is rather posher than Sharon Watts. Although, we’re not talking June Brown/Dot Cotton variation. They’re at opposite ends of the poshness scale, those two accents.

Posher than the Queen in real life.

Eastenders’ Sharon has been on the show since the very beginning so obviously the character has been through more than her fair share of drama, heartache and misery. Because Albert Square is positively drenched in gloom and suffering. It oozes out the cracks in the pavements. They have some terrible luck those residents - maybe the square was built on the site of an unconsecrated Pearly King graveyard. There’s definitely something up.

One of her most famous storylines was when her husband, Grant, found out she’d shagged his brother, Phil. Because you can’t just stop at one Mitchell brother, you know? They’re like Pringles. The affair was referred to as “Sharongate”, obviously. Odd to think that if Watergate happened now, we’d call it Watergategate.

Sharongate wasn’t the best Sharon-based storyline, though. You have to go way, way back for that. In 1986, the show’s producers decided what Eastenders really needed was a long drawn-out storyline featuring a battle of the bands competition and every single teenager in the cast creating a pop act in order to strive for music stardom.

You just don't get teens like this any more. I'm not sure you ever did.

It was a stupid decision, obviously. It’s a wonder that Eastenders ever managed to have itself taken seriously when entire chunks of episodes were given over to Letitia Dean and Paul Medford (Kelvin) singing the whole of their teen-tastic pop tune “Something outa Nothing”

You’d have thought they’d be a shoe-in with that number under their belts but artistic differences meant that Simon Wickes left the band (cunningly named “The Banned” – do you see what they did there?) and sang his own number “Every Loser Wins” which became an actual real-life hit for actor Nick Berry. He didn’t have all the glory, though. Berry may have reached the showy heights of Number 1 but Letitia Dean managed to reach a very creditable No.12 with “Something outa Nothing.”


Another example of a big chunk of a prime-time BBC show being used to showcase a pop release. Simon Cowell is clearly missing a trick, here.

So Letitia Dean’s not just an actress and former Strictly Come Dancing contestant, you know. She’s also a One Hit Wonder.

She has very square knees.

I suppose I should return to talking about the workout DVD in question but I’m really not sure I can be bothered. Maybe it’s a post-Christmas thing. Life has been too damn exciting lately. The decorations are still up. There are Quality Streets in little festive bowls. I am now the owner of a FREAKING LED JELLYFISH MOOD LAMP.


Behold the amazingness!

I have been spoiled by awesomeness. Perhaps next week, when the dull drudgery of real life has fully kicked back in, I will appreciate the craftsmanship of a DVD in which two women jump around a bit. But today is not that day. Sorry, Letitia. Blame those Cockney Ghosts.

Danielle Lloyd – Keep Fit Look Fit

Danielle Lloyd was one of the Celebrity Big Brother contestants responsible for the show’s racism controversy several years ago. Danielle,  Jo O’Meara and Jade Goody (described by Charlie Brooker as “The World’s Thickest Coven” ) ganged up on beautiful, polite and successful Indian actress Shilpa Shetty sparking  44,500 complaints to Ofcom, withdrawal of sponsorship deals and an investigation by the police.

British television at its finest

It’s probably a bit unfair to still be banging on about it. Poor Danielle. You spend the first years of the your career doing good works like winning Miss Great Britain or dating footballers  or posing nude for Playboy and all anybody ever remembers is that time you said that the Indian lady should “fuck off home.” in front of 5 million people.

They're best of friends now, of course.

This workout DVD “Keep Fit, Look Fit” was released the same year so perhaps it was intended as recompense for her previous actions. Her gift to the nation to say “sorry”.

If so, it’s a terrible gift. She would have been better off producing the Danielle Lloyd “Not-A-Racist” Perfume instead. Although she probably did that as well.

Buy it for the non-racist in your life

The workout DVD is an uninspiring collection of dance workouts led by trainer Steve Rich. If I was feeling charitable I might assume that the makers of the DVD were aiming for it to be as natural as possible which is why they decided to keep in all the bits where Danielle flubs her lines, messes up the moves or looks generally awkward. They cleverly managed to prevent the thing looking over-rehearsed by not doing any rehearsals.

Several years after releasing the workout, Danielle moved into acting and appeared in Dominic Burns’ 2010 film “Cut” - the world's first single continuous-shot horror movie.  Danielle’s character sets up the movie by providing the pre-credits sequence. Sort of like Drew Barrymore in Scream.

I know Halloween’s over but huddle round anyway and enjoy this terrifying dialogue. Remember this is from an actual film that some poor sods paid money to see.  Danielle plays Annette, a babysitter, who phones the mum of the kid she’s looking after .

Try to imagine that the lines are being said by someone with the acting skills of a late night soft porn advert and someone who sounds like she’s on that supposedly “hidden camera” Kindle advert.

Mrs Burton: Is Sandy OK? 

Annette:  Well, she’s not hurt or anything... 

Mrs Burton: But?  

Annette:  She keeps on getting herself worked up about this clown. 

Mrs Burton: Clown? 

Annette: She keeps saying that it is talking to her. That it’s going to hurt her. 

Mrs Burton: What are you talking about, Annette? What clown? 

Annette: The life size clown at the end of her bed. 

Mrs Burton: Annette, listen to me very carefully. Get Sandy out of the house right now! Run to the neighbours and call the police! 

Annette: I don’t understand. What? 

Mrs Burton:  Sandy doesn’t have a toy clown!

Da da daaaa!

To be fair, although the acting improves slightly for the rest of the film, the storyline doesn’t. The rest of film takes place at a different time and could be summarised as follows: “There are some people. And then they hear some scary noises. And then scary clowns want to kill them dead.” Frankly, if you told that as a spooky story at Brownie camp eight year old girls would mock you for being lame. And rightly so.

I’m not sure whether Danielle really has a future in acting but having watched both “Keep Fit Look Fit” and “Cut” today, I know which one I preferred.  Only one of those DVDs features a Rufus Hound doppelganger with an axe embedded in his midriff. That’s one hell of a fitness workout.

Best Bit

Danielle is sporting a comprehensive selection of Danielle Lloyd 'Designed4Love' workout wear. At the time of the DVD’s release, this clothing was available for purchase by the likes of you and me. Sadly the Designed4Love website has now closed as has that avenue of potential dream fulfilment.

Happily you get to see what must amount to the entire collection here. There are short sleeved tops, long sleeved tops, hoodies, sweat pants and a lovely velour tracksuit. Everything you could ever dream of.

Feel the quality.

Weirdest Bit

Danielle has her own logo. Clearly she recognised that she was a brand and needed to be marketed as such. As well as featuring on her designer workwear it’s also displayed on the set which along with the shiny gold decorations radiates an air of a market stall selling fake designer handbags.

The logo is a sort of backwards D dash L thing that weirdly looks more like it says ‘CH’. It looks like it’s trying to copy someone else’s brand but I can’t work out whose. Chanel? Chantelle? Chessington World of Adventures? I have no idea.

Worst Bit

It’s hard to choose what with the shitty production values, the terrible extras and the plinky plonky fucking music, but I think, on balance, my least favourite parts are any bit where Danielle is required to speak. Particularly the bits where she does a bit of unconvincing banter with Steve.  Talking like a believable human being isn’t really her strong point.

"Where are you feeling it, Danielle?”

“In my ... muscles?”

Danielle tries to sound like she knows what she’s talking about.

Difficulty Level.

Oh, you know, it’s fine. Not especially hard. Not especially easy. It’s like a great big dollop of meh.

In her introduction, Danielle says that she likes her exercise to be fun and that the best kind of exercise is where you’re having so much fun, you don’t even realise you’re working out.

Yeah, that sounds good. You should have tried that here, Danielle.

Could I do this if I was a racist? Could I?

Would I do this workout again?

Well no. Because of it being shit and everything. Tell you what though, if they make Cut 2 : Cut Harder and Danielle scores another role then I’m right there. This time I think they should start with that story where the girl hears a tapping on the roof of the car and the policeman tells her not to turn around because  it turns out to be blood dripping from her boyfriend’s severed head. That one’s a classic.

Beverley Callard – Rapid Results

What you’re looking at here is just one of the four workouts that Coronation Street actress and actual, proper fitness instructor Beverley Callard has released.

The full oeuvre is as follows: Real Results, Rapid Results, Ultimate Results and Lasting Results.

She’s clearly a results-focused woman.

I’m trying to work out which of these results is the most desirable, if you have to choose.  Certainly ‘rapid’ seems to be a pretty good quality in an exercise as is ‘ultimate’. That’s the highest limit attained right there. ‘Lasting’ results are pretty crucial. You don’t want to achieve the perfect body then have your old fat self blobbing out at unexpected moments like that bit in the Nutty Professor.

Blobbing

On reflection while ‘rapid’, ‘ultimate’ and ‘lasting’ are all important, being ‘real’  is totally non-negotiable. A workout advertised as “The Imaginary Hypothetical Workout” isn’t going to fly off the shelves.

If Beverley wants to market these DVDs in box sets, she could group them according to combined results. The Real and Rapid workouts could be packaged together as the “Efficient Results” collection or you could combine Rapid, Lasting and Ultimate for “The Phantasmagorical Results Workout.” I have put together cut-out-and-keep a Beverley Callard Fitness Results Venn Diagram for this very purpose.

This particular workout was originally released in 1996. Much as I moan and complain about the shitty DVD extras that come with most C-List Celeb workouts, I have become accustomed to having them around. Beverley’s DVD doesn’t have any extras at all. It doesn’t even provide the option of selecting workouts by section on the menu. You click once to start and then the whole workout unfolds from beginning to end without pausing for breath. It’s a DVD that thinks it’s a video cassette basically. I’m surprised that it didn’t try to rewind itself afterwards.

You're just spoiling me with choice, here.

Beverley introduces us to the team that we are going to be working with. There’s Sue who was on the last video, apparently, Sarah who has got fabulous legs and Val who tends to store fat on her bottom and thighs.

There is also Karen who is Bev’s second-in-command and is there largely for her counting skills. She does count beautifully, mind.

Karen counting. Or possibly swearing.

Then there are the two boys: Mel “who exercises regularly and loves it” and David “who exercises regularly and hates it” both of whom are completely overshadowed somewhat by their startling outfits. They’ve both come as the only gay in the village. 

While I appreciate their commitment to style – although maybe everyone was dressed like that in 1996 and I was too wrapped up in myself to notice – those outfits can’t have been the most comfortable things to work out in. By the time they reached the floor exercises I bet they were dying to change out of their PVC lederhosen and into something more comfortable. Maybe some ass-less chaps, a feather boa  and a gimp mask.

Of course, David's always dressed lovely.

The credits say that the guys’ outfits are from The Cutting Room in Wigan. Eager to find out what the fashionable look is these days in workout slash fetishwear, I looked them up online. Disappointingly the only Cutting Room in Wigan appeared to be a hairdresser. However, a quick look at their staff page showed that the owner is none other than Mel off of Bev’s video! Unbelievable! You know what this means, don’t you? Good because personally, I have no idea. Maybe it was a tax dodge.

Best Bit

Without a doubt the best part of the whole workout are the face exercises at the end. Bev has us gurning and stretching and grinning like crazy people. Word of warning: don’t attempt the lower lid exercises while wearing contact lenses. And don’t do any of the exercises if there is an outside chance that anyone might see you. Particular if they might screenshot you and put your pictures online. Because you’ll just look stupid.

See?

Weirdest Bit.

At the end of the workout, Dave Gorman look-alike Mel tells Beverley that they have a surprise for her. The gang go off for a moment and come back bearing a massive cake covered in cream and, well, you can see where this is going, can’t you?

And yes, she is pretty much headbutting that cake in the third picture. 
Still, Mel's clearly having the most fun he's ever had in his life.

Difficulty Level

As I mentioned before, as well as being Liz McDonald in Coronation Street, Beverley Callard is an actual proper, legitimate fitness instructor. You can tell. She shouldn’t have been allowed on C-List Celebrity Workouts at all, really given how useful, well-explained and well-presented the whole thing is.

Would I do this Workout Again?

This is a nicely put-together fitness plan but even if I could face the low-tech menu options again, I’m not sure how much more time I can spend with the ridiculous 90s fashions. Not that they’re painful to look at. Quite the opposite. If I watch this DVD too many times there is a very real danger that I might go and buy myself a high-cut snakeskin print leotard with black mesh straps. Or a black and silver PVC playsuit, of course.

I could totally pull this look off.

Vicky Binns – Dance It Off

There’s not a lot of variety in Workout DVD titles, is there? It’s all Dance this, Fitness that, Body the other. Clearly the celebs – or the celeb’s well-paid DVD Naming Manager – just grab the nearest couple of words from their box of Fitness Workout Fridge Magnet Poetry and figure they’re good to go.

"Yeah, that'll do."

It would be so much more satisfying if the workout names actually reflected the contents of the DVD. “Barbara Windsor acts like a mental and frightens her carer” for example. Or “Someone locks the girls from Hollyoaks in their basement for some reason”.

Vicky Binns’ workout would be called “Look At How Great My Arse Looks in These Silver Hotpants! Seriously – Take a Look! Closer than that!”

Do you see?

Her arse does look great, it’s true. And we all know that shiny silver lamé is not the most forgiving of fabrics. Many is the time I’ve eaten a whole packet of hobnobs just because they were there, squeezed into my XXXXL hotpants, looked in the mirror and thought “Can I really pull this look off”. Inevitably deciding “Damn right I can!” and striding purposefully off to my job interview or parent/tutor conference.

Me, dressed up to go out, yesterday.

Vicky and her trainer, Rachel Ravenscroft, guide us through the various sections which include Street Heat, Urban Burn, Power Groove and Core Control. The workout appears to take place in a Junior School hall straight after the school disco. They’ve still got the glitter collages made by the Year 5s on the wall.

Vicky is alumnus of not one but two soap operas having appeared in both Emmerdale and Coronation Street. This means if I had C-List Celebrity Bingo cards I would be able to tick off the “Ex-Soap Star” box for sure. In fact if I had C-List Celebrity Workout Bingo Cards I would have done pretty well with Binns. I could have ticked the “Inappropriate Workout Wear” box and the “Shit, pointless diet plan” one.

It would actually make a pretty good drinking game. It’s a pity you’re expressly warned not to drink when following workouts given that  celebrity fitness DVDs and alcohol seem such natural bed fellows really.

Best Bit

The way in which the girls glittery tops  match the stripe down the sides of each of their tracksuit bottoms. Did they have them made specially, do you think? Or at least had a member of the wardrobe team sew on the stripes on for them?

That's attention to detail right there.

Worst Bit

I really do hate the crappy excuses for diet plans that keep cropping up on these fitness DVDs. It’s such a  lazy Will-this-do way to claim that your DVD contains an extra. Presumably the production meeting goes something like, “So what about the DVD extras? Should we film something specially.” “Nah – [Insert Celebrity Name]  just stuck a few menu ideas together – let’s do that.” “Brilliant. Anyone fancy a pint?”.

Call that a diet plan? You need more plan.

At least mix it up a bit. Make it slightly interactive. Stick a photo of a grapefruit as a background. Make some fucking effort.

Difficulty Level

When it wasn’t being baffling dance moves this was quite a good workout.  There were lunges and thrusts and boxing bits. Like Vicky says in her introduction “This is not just mincing around your handbag.”

Would I do this Workout Again?

Rest assured, Vicky. If my ‘C-List Celebrity Workout Clichés Drinking Bingo Party’ actually ever does happen, then “Dance it off” will be one of the first DVDs I reach for.

Lucy Benjamin - Dancercise

I have spent most of today learning about practical version control and building an SVN Repository. Because I’m doing a computing degree and that’s the kind of fun and exciting weekends I have. I like to kick back and create a repository, commit a few changes, create a tag here, a branch there, generate the occasional repository log message file until I start to slip into a tedium-induced coma and have to keep myself awake by plashing my skull repeatedly against the keyboard.

And then the face in my computer tells me to stop

And you know what the dullest part of my day was? The hour and a half I spent doing Lucy Benjamin’s Dancercise workout.

You may think that staring at a command screen until your eyeballs throb is tedious but seriously, try Lucy and trainer Fitz’s method of keeping fit by leaping to the side, stepping to the front and *clap!* repeated 5000 times. The entire DVD was like an endlessly repeating 3 second gif.

This is honestly all there is to it.

It doesn’t really help that there aren’t any proper separate sections. There are no scene or costume changes between the intriguingly named Workout 1 and Workout 2. There isn’t even a jingle or a fancy title graphic to break up the monotony. I originally quite liked Lucy’s pink joggers and wrap-around cardi. It seems like everyone’s been doing these DVDs in skimpy pants recently and I appreciated Lucy taking a more comfy approach. My enthusiasm waned after a while although I do respect her devotion to leisurewear.

The music is baffling and doesn’t add to the illusion that this is supposed to be a fun dance session. Most of it sounds like a TV theme tune. I kept feeling like they were actual proper programmes that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. One was a bit like Black Beauty and another was a bit like Hill Street Blues though neither is anywhere near as good as the originals. I imagine someone was commissioned at short notice to provide the theme music for a daytime TV show about farming or antiques or dogging or something and it got cancelled at the last minute. In which case it’s nice to know that they found some use for the music after all.

Lucy Benjamin is obviously most famous for playing the consistently miserable Lisa in Eastenders. She is part of the elite group of workout-releasing ex-Eastenders actors and features on CLCW's handy knowledge sheet.

Lucy’s early acting CV is even more impressive. Her very first TV role was on Doctor Who, for goodness sakes. Admittedly, it was only a couple of seconds long but Doctor Who! When the Doctor looked like Peter Davison!

80s style clothes of the future

You wouldn’t think you could top that but Lucy only went to star in Press Gang! Third person in the credits, no less, after Julia Sawalha and Dexter Fletcher.

I have resisted the urge to watch any Press Gang clips on YouTube because it’s ever so slightly possible that the show isn’t quite the epitome of unparalleled awesomeness that it is in my head. I was also concerned that I might fancy Spike as much as I did at the time and that fancying a teenager would make me feel grubby. Surprisingly, it turns out that Dexter Fletcher was in his mid-twenties when he played Spike. I can scarcely believe it. The man’s clearly an acting genius.

This was all I wanted in a man when I was 14. It still might be.

Lucy is currently performing in Hairspray as Velma Von Tussle. We can only hope that this keeps her far too busy to make any more workout DVDs.

Best Bit
Lucy’s fitness instructor is an enthusiastic gentleman called Fitzroy Gaynes. When Fitz wants us to take notice of a new move he’s going to demonstrate he gives us the ‘Visuals’ sign so we can all pay attention. This involves framing his eyes with v-shaped fingers. It’s like being given dancing instructions by Vince Vega from Pulp Fiction.

No wait a minute, it’s nothing like that. Vince Vega dancing lessons would be awesome. Although there might be the risk of accidentally snorting some heroin during the cool-down.

Worst Bit
Aside from the crappy workouts and the crappy music, there is unsurprisingly a crappy DVD extra. Here, Lucy has her face moisturised and massaged by a beautician where they discuss what Beauty treatments plebs like us might be able to do at home. Honey face masks and putting tea bags on eyes are mentioned. There’s nothing like having beauty recommendations made by someone who clearly isn’t going to try what they’re suggesting.

"As long as we keep talking I can claim this on expenses"

Difficulty Level
Well it’s dancing which makes it inherently difficult for me but it’s shit dancing so that helps a lot.

Sometimes you have to dance like nobody's watching. 

This is not one of those times.

Would I do this workout again?
No. There is almost nothing to redeem this DVD at all. At the end of the workouts, Lucy suggests that we invite our friends round to do this workout with us. She demonstrates this by having a few of her friends join in the next bit. In a twist on the classic line, Lucy says  “if they can do this, anyone can.” which seems a wee bit insulting to her friends.

You are all much more shit than me

Don’t get too excited about the friends workout by the way: they repeat one of the earlier workouts rather than do a new one and the whole thing lasts about 30 measly seconds.

So, no offence, Lucy but I really don’t think I’ll be inviting any of my friends round to do your workout any time soon. I’d sooner invite them round to build back-up version control repositories with me