Cher – A New Attitude

Cher was the 1980s. It was ALL about her. Oh sure there might have been a few other things happening – the occasional war here, the odd nuclear meltdownthere. Some royals got married. But that was merely a footnote to whatever Cher was doing at the time. Ask anyone.

Cher first became known in authentically black and white 1960s when she used to duet with Gerard Depardieu singing the song from Groundhog Day. 

She kept herself busy doing TV work in the 1970s but it was all treading water, really. She was just biding her time until she could Mega-Cher it to the max eighties-stylee. She starred in righteous and schweet movies like Mask, Witches of Eastwick and Moonstruck. And she released some bodacious records. Any woman who listened to a Cher 1980s power ballad became emancipated just from the radiation alone.

Shit's about to go down, witches.

Her video for “If I could turn back time” was apparently the first music video to be banned by MTV. There’s no untoward behaviour in the video, save for Cher nicking a sailor’s hat and sitting astride a cannon in a manner that is in no way suggestive. I imagine that the decision to ban the video was entirely based on her outfit. 

Is anyone else feeling a breeze?

This seems a tad harsh. Perhaps wearing what appears to be a sheer body stocking with a couple of bits of gaffer tape for modesty may be a trifle risqué. But let’s face it, who hasn’t left the house to meet some sailors in a tearing hurry absent-mindedly forgetting they had only got half-way through putting on their BDSM Dominatrix outfit? I know I certainly have.

Cher continues to be awesome here in the 21^st century. Mostly by being crazy as fuck on Twitter.  Do you want fanatical rants, non-sequiturs, a totally disregard for punctuation marks and EVERYTHING IN CAPITALS? Of course you do. This is Twitter we’re talking about. Following Cher will make you very happy indeed. It’s like Cher has distilled the very essence of Twitter and has made novelty cocktails out of it.

These were literally Cher's last five tweets at the time I wrote this review.

This workout video was released by Cher in 1991. Cher describes introduces it by saying “Have I got a gift for you ... It’s a present of my own personal workout programme.”

Thanks, Cher. I appreciate the gift, I really do. I mean, I was dropping hints about some new socks but the workout’s lovely. It’s just that – and I don’t want to sound ungrateful here – did you have to dial down the crazy quite so much?

Because if there is one thing I want from Cher it’s a devil-may-care attitude to normalcy.

Gold battle bikini, for example is an acceptable level of crazy.

Don’t get me wrong, in some ways she delivers admirably. Her outfit for the Step Workout is a thing of wondrousness. She looks like a cross between a Wild West prostitute and a Goth in babydoll pyjamas. You know Helena Bonham’s outfit in Tim Burton’s version of Sweeney Todd? Imagine an extra scene where her character gets the bottom half of her outfit ripped off after accidentally trapping it in a carriage door. And then does a fitness workout.

That aside, it is a very sensibly put together programme. There are three sections: ‘Step Workout’, ‘Healthy Back and Abdominals’ and ‘Hips, Bottoms and Thighs’. Cher is joined by her personal trainer, Keli Roberts and they deliver a workout which is comprehensive, well-explained and nicely challenging.

Things were a lot blurrier in the early 90s

It’s all very disappointing. I don’t want to know that Cher’s exercise regime consists of doing steps, squats, stretches and aerobics. Before I watched this, if you’d asked me how I thought Cher kept in shape I would have hazarded a guess that it was a combination of python wrestling, cat burglary and vigorous perverted sex.

Thanks for ruining the magic, Cher. Great gift.

Best Bit

The music is just fantastic. There’s everything from Dusty Springfield to Billy Idol. At one point Cher says to Keli “Stop talking! I love this song.” Brilliantly, the song in question is Cher’s own “Love and Understanding.”

Face it, she just knows how awesome she is.

Difficulty Level

Cher herself says “This programme is challenging. It’s not impossible but it’s challenging.” And she’s not wrong. Especially if by ‘challenging’ you mean ‘unbelievably hard work.’

Luckily Cher also says “You don’t have to start out perfect. You just have to start.” I was about as far from perfect as it is possible to be. I hope Cher would have been proud of me.

Cher throws down a challenge.

Would I do this workout again?

This workout is currently only available on VHS so I have to go through a bit of logistical nightmare if I want to watch it. Unplug stuff. Plug in other stuff. Rewind the fricking tape. You can appreciate my problem.

Ideally Cher should re-release her workouts on DVD. Better yet, she should release a brand new one. She is just about to release a new album and she still looks absolutely fantastic.

Go on, Cher. Only this time forget all the stuff with the sit-ups and muscle stretches. Show us how you really do it.

This sort of thing, perhaps.

Barbie - Dance Workout with Barbie

I know what you are going to say : “Are you shitting me? How the buggering fuck is Barbie a C-List celebrity, you whoremongering imbecile? Barbie is clearly a fucking A List celebrity if ever there was one.” And you’re right, CLCW reader. You’re harsh and you swear way too much but you’re right.

Barbie is probably the biggest celebrity there is. Except maybe the Queen. And until her Maj decides to release a “Right Royal Workout DVD” this is the starriest workout we’ve featured here.
Barbie has starred in 25 films tackling roles as diverse as Clara in the Nutcracker and Odette in Swan Lake as well as delivering a stunning performance in Toy Story 3.

The Many Faces of Barbie

 She played both the princess and the pauper in an imaginative retelling of the Mark Twain classic story which boldly reinterpreted the slums and political machinations of sixteenth century Britain as a magical fairyland full of pink glitter and wisecracking animals. Which is how Twain would have written it in the first place if he’d been any good.

 

See, this is how you put a story together

 

On top of her successful film career, she is also a certified pilot, ballerina, veterinarian, primary school teacher, computer programmer and member of the Starship Enterprise. Actually, forget what I said earlier about the Queen. She’s got nothing on Barbie. Frankly, I think we’re putting the wrong woman’s head on the stamps.

At some point in 1992, Barbie took time out from cheerleading, working at SeaWorld , training as a palaeontologist or whatever else she was doing released a dance workout video.

 

The video is also fronted by Barbie’s friend, Kim Breux. Well she says ‘friend’. Clearly Kim’s not in Barbie’s league at all but Barb’s a giver. She looks out for the little people. Not physically little in comparison with Barbie, obviously. Giant people.

I am choosing to believe that Kim Breux's surname is pronounced ‘Bro’ because I am saying it that way in my head. In Barney Stinson’s voice

I think Kim may have been a formative influence on Stephanie from Lazy Town who seems to have adopted her perky pink style and relentless enthusiasm as her own. The shiny, shiny leotard that Kim sports does rather make it look as though she is concealing a penis which is unfortunate. Unless of course she does have a penis in which case it’s grand and I fully support her decision to wear tight dancewear.

 

 

I was originally concerned that Barbie might pull a ‘Pussycat Dolls’ on us and rather than feature in the video, merely content herself with lending her brand to the exercise. But no! Barbie is on hand throughout the workout to demonstrate the Street Tap and the Sidewalk Strut

She doesn’t quite have the flexibility that she demonstrates nine years later dancing the Pas de Deux in the Nutcracker but what she lacks in believable animation, she more than makes up for in joie de vivre and awesome legwarmers.

 

As well as Kim, there are a herd of perky American tweens demonstrating the dance moves. They’re the sort of uber-confident little stage-school brats that I would have instinctively hated as a 9 year old. There a ‘freestyle’ section of the dance where everyone is encouraged to express themselves however they want and the dancers can’t help but fall into step with one another. The producers may have misjudged the desirability of ‘doing your own thing’ to girls of this age. Conformity is everything.

Perkiest of all the little princesses is ‘Love’ who bops around next to Kim and wears a look of such deranged enthusiasm that she appears to be tripping.

Turns out that Love is Jennifer Love Hewitt, star of ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ and ‘The Ghost Whisperer’ and author of the seminal discourse on relationships: “The Day I Shot Cupid”.

The workout also features Jennifer Fenton who went on to appear in an episode of Baywatch 4 years later and Arike Rice who has 7 films in her IMDB listing including The Rum Diary as “dancer” and Hairspray as a member of the dance group the Dynamites. She also appeared as “Club Dancer” in Centre Stage: Turn it Up and “Casino Dancer” in Viva Laughlin. Which proves Barbie can spot dancing talent when she sees it.

 

Although she leaves the bulk of the work to Kim, Barbie is constantly on hand with encouragement. “Great job, everybody!” she says, “You’re wonderful!” and most importantly, “You’re doing fine if you can still say “I’m OK””.

Which is a handy maxim for life. Barbie knows about these things. She’s probably a trained Cognitive Behavioural Therapist.

Best Bit
Jennifer Love Hewitt was also responsible for the songs on this video which are a bunch of perky little upbeat numbers which encourage you to don your leotard and bright pink legwarmers and start doing the Barbie Basic. The best move was the Hoppy Bunny. Who doesn’t love a good hop?

Worst Bit

There you are bopping along to Love’s singing and soaking up Barbie’s feelgood spirit like an emotional vampire then suddenly – Bam! – it’s all over. The workout is only 30 minutes long. There are no sections, no separate cool down session, not even a costume change which is something I always look forward to on a C List celebrity workout. Barbie’s costume changes would have been fabulous. I don’t believe for a minute that the woman only has one keep fit outfit.

Of course she doesn't

Difficulty Level

While this wasn’t the hardest dance workout I’ve done, it wasn’t exactly a breeze. I think the manufacturers of this workout were relying on girls in the 6 to 11 bracket relentlessly watching the video over and over again until their moves were perfect and their manic grins were permanently etched on their faces.

Would I do this Workout again?

You know I would but I’m not sure I’m going to have the time. Watching this has made realise the gaping holes in my Barbie film knowledge. Would you believe I’ve not seen one of the Fairytopia oeuvre? Not to mention my shocking lack of understanding of the themes of Barbie: Princess Charm School. If Barbie can take the trouble to become a United States Navy Petty Officer and an Ambassador for World Peace, the very least I can do is fully apprise myself of the extent of her contribution to the arts.

You Got Served – Take it to the Streets

You Got Served is a 2004 film about competitive street dancing  in Los Angeles and not – as you might have a supposed -  a reboot of 1970s comedy Are you being served? There is a disappointing absence of lilac haired old ladies making veiled vagina references

Not the same thing at all

 

What the film does have, though, is an abundance of cool dance moves. So if cool dance moves were what  you were after then this was the very film for you. Particularly if you were none too bothered about convincing acting or a decent plot.

And if after watching it, you walked away thinking “Man, I’d love to dance like that. If only the choreographer would give me step-by-step instructions on how to dance like David and Elgin and their crew” then, boy, were you in luck. They totally had your back, bro.

This could be you

You Got Served: Take it to the streets was released the same year and is fronted by the film’s choreographer Dave Scott who invites you to “Learn the Dance Moves Step by Step”

Dave is joined by the coolest bunch of people you ever saw. Dave’s an unbelievably cool guy himself.  Trainers on workout DVDs always try to act cool but you can usually see through their bravado to the panicked desperate persona beneath. Not so, Dave. He got nothing to prove to nobody, He probably didn’t even need to make this DVD he just did it to give share the street dancing love with the little guy. He’s that kind of badass.

Choreographers do not get any cooler than this.

All Dave’s crew are dancers from the movie. This includes Robert James Hoffman III who played the bad guy’s sidekick, Max. Unfortunately RJHIII is by far and away the least cool guy there. And not just because he’s white. Dante next to him probably displays more attitude cleaning his teeth than young Mr III does busting his very best shapes.

But then Dante wasn't in She's the Man so Rob probably wins after all

 

The DVD starts off with a warm-up which requires greater flexibility and quicker reactions than most celebrity workout DVDs do in their entirety. There are two dance routines based on particular dances from the movie as well as an extra one that Dave made up just for us. Because he loves us.

The dance instructions basically can be broken down to this: (1) Do a million different things quickly and in succession. (2) Look cool while you’re doing it. I didn’t excel at this.

At the beginning of the third dance routine, Dave starts his introduction when, oh my goodness, who should turn up all unexpectedly but Chris Jones or “Chris Jones!  Christopher Jones from the movie. Hey, my man.” as Dave greets him. To be fair Jones’ mum probably welcomes him the same way when he nips home for Sunday lunch. Jones played Wade the spiky haired nemesis of the film’s main characters. He’s still sporting the same Dragon Ball Z hairstyle in this which means he’s either turned up in character or he actually does have hair like that.

Spot the difference

The film’s two leading actors, Omari Grandberry and Marques Houston bust some freestyle moves on the  DVD extras luckily for the DVD producers who can then stick the most famous guys on the box with gay abandon.

Difficulty Level
This was insane. Crazy, crazy difficult.  You might think it was difficult learning all the moves to Hannah Montana’s Hoedown Throwdown. And you’d be right hypothetical reader, it was. But it’s got nothing on this.  There are eight million different moves for each dance and they all involve weird things like pretending to pull someone’s trousers down.

Best Bit

The big freestyle party at the end. Even the DJ Richard gets to show us his dance moves. Robert III seems to be doing an impression of a velociraptor because why not.

Would I do this workout again?

I would have to watch this many, many, many times in order to have a hope of doing these dance moves in vaguely the right times. Literally hundreds. I’m not sure where I would find the time. There is an interview with Chris Stokes, the director of the original film on the DVD extras. He tells us we can achieve anything we set our minds to and we should never let anyone else get the way of our dreams. Which is nice but I still think I may have to shelve my ambitions of becoming a freestyling hip-hop street dancer.  I’m not entirely sure I have what it takes to pop, lock, flip freeze and do that thing where you spin on your head for ages. It’s a tragic loss for the world, I know. In a very real sense, we all got served.

 

Mark Wahlberg – The Marky Mark Workout

In 1993, Mark Wahlberg was known to all as Marky Mark - rapper with the Funky bunch and proud poster boy for Calvin Klein’s underwear.  This workout video, released in that year, was no doubt snapped up by young men everywhere eager to learn how to bench press, work their abs, talk like an idiot and sexually harass attractive women without embarrassment.

Yes, I said video. CLCW is rocking it old school this week.

The video opens with the now award-winning actor pretending to be asleep. One of his many cousins (we’ll be introduced to them later) bursts in and is dismayed to find Marky Mark missing out on the best part of the day.

“Oh Man,” he says. “C’mon cuz. Neil’s downstairs. He’s making some shakes or something, fuckin’ pancakes ... the whole nine yards.”

The prospect of fuckin’ pancakes (and they are the very best kind of pancakes) provides the incentive for Marky  to swing his legs out of bed, pull some tracksuit bottoms over his nice white pants and shout “POW!” at the camera. Because that’s how a rap star starts the day. Oh yes.

 The best bits. This will change your life.

Marky then introduces us to his gang. One of the crew proffers his hand to Marky but our man’s too cool for dat shizzle. “No handshakes on the video” he tells him. You gotta have rules, dude.

Otherwise it's just anarchy.

Marky tells us that although he’s a rapper he’s been into fitness for a while. He says the three most important things are  FORM! FOCUS! and DETERMINATION! The words come up on screen with funky nineties graphic behind them, THAT’s how important they are. On the Video box however it has been changed to FORM, FOCUS and FITNESS. Because of alliteration and shit.

“People always ask me about running around in my underwear and trying to sell my body,” says Marky, “But I’ve accomplished a lot. Why not share with people?”

People always ask me about runnin' around in my underwear and I say "Suck on this, motherfucker."

Wait sweetheart, you were selling your body? I thought you were selling pants. Still, if that’s what it took to keep you in snap-backs and roomy trainers, then I, for one, am not going to judge you.

I’m trying to resist the urge to quote the whole video in full here. It’s just that the little idiot is just so very quotable. All Celebrity Workouts advise you to go at your own pace. Only Marky Mark Wahlberg does it like this:

“You starting where you at. Don’t try and be something you’re not. Everybody has their own game. I’m never gonna look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, you know? And someone’s never gonna look like me. Everybody’s beautiful, man. Go out and get yours.”

It’s inspirational is what it is. I may embroider it onto a tea towel or something.

The first half of the video is the Home Workout. He introduces us to his ‘fly’ assistants and proceeds to unashamedly lech after them throughout. At one point he licks his lips and says “I’m gonna figure out a way to spot you” making the word ‘spot’ sound so filthy, that I’m not sure any personal trainers could look their customers in the eye and say it after watching this.

How to impress the ladies

 

For the second part of the workout, Marky takes us to his gym which is apparently stuffed to the gills with the stars of the TV series “Gladiators”.

Presumably ladies aren’t allowed at Marky’s gym. Having taken the trouble to introduce us to his homeboys at the beginning of the video, we didn’t get to see them again for a while. One guy (I think it was snubbed proffered hand guy) provides workout advise in a voiceover because Marky’s too busy heavy breathing and flirting to give us much instruction.

 

These sexually awkward moments won't just engineer themselves, you know.

At the gym his buff cousins are on hand to spot him. I lost track of who was who to be honest -  ‘fuckin pancakes’ guy was probably there. I’m not entirely certain if these gentlemen are actually Marky’s cousins in a literal sense. They may be his spiritual cousins. His bruvas from anuva muva, if you will.

It’s not clear what we are supposed to take from watching Mark work out at the gym. I get that he’s too cool to do all his working out at home but I don’t have a gigantic Triceps Pushdown machine in my bedroom. Gyms have their own trainers, don’t they? Did the early 90s see a spate of young men refusing gym inductions and announcing that they knew how to do it all because they watched Marky Mark on television?

At the end of the workout we are invited to admire Marky as he gets into a Jacuzzi with a bunch of ethnically diverse hotties. Because he’s an equal opportunities sleazeball.

Marky loves a jacuzzi Marky Mark is a massive douchebag from beginning to end. It doesn’t seem worth pulling him up on it though. Wahlberg famously has very murky past indeed full of unprovoked racial attacks and jail terms. Wearing a stupid hat and making sexist remarks are pretty minor offences in comparison. This video is a midpoint between the absolute bastard that was pre-fame Wahlberg and the affable film star who gets drunk and talks nonsense on the Graham Norton show.

Best Bit

The whole thing is a dream come true to be honest. Nonsensical, rambling and a little bit sinister. Oh man, you’d say the next day. I dreamt that guy from Ted was talking like a rapper and hanging out with Wolf from Gladiator last night. What the hell had I been eating?

Wahlberg in much less weird circumstances.

Worst Bit

The Nutrition section. Marky harangues his fat mate and then talks protein with a nutritionist. We never see his fat mate again so miss out on a Damascene conversion as he eschews his enormous comedy  plate of food in favour of Marky Mark’s diet plan.

All I picked up on here was that Marky’s has got it into his head that egg whites are a good thing and his nutritionist was careful not to disabuse him of the notion. They were hamstrung by only being able to mention foods that were (a) healthy and (b) not sissy. The nutritionist mentioned cottage cheese at one point which I think was a mistake. Marky Mark don’t eat no girl food.

Weirdest Bit

One of the Machines at the gym was called the Ham Tractor machine.

It didn't look like this.

 

Difficulty Level

Ridiculously difficult. He starts off by doing push-ups balancing on three chairs. Why use the chairs at all? They looked like a slip hazard to me. It’s a wonder health and safety allowed it.

Would I do this workout again?

No but I am pleased to have seen it this one time. I am now going to lock it away in a secure lead-lined box for retrieval by future generations who will be able to take comfort in the fact that Inter-Galactic Supreme President Wahlberg was but a mortal man. A man with abs like the Giants Causeway and the ability to shout “POW!” repeatedly and without irony but a  mortal man none-the-less.