CD:UK – Dance Workout

CD:UK was a television chart show which was presented by, amongst others, Cat Deeley, Holly Willoughby, Myleene Klass, Lauren Laverne and  Ant ‘n’ Dec.

None of these people are in any way featured on, mentioned during or presumably aware of this spin-off Dance Fitness DVD.

Completely unrelated.

The DVD is fronted by Andy Instone and his tiny tribes of “CD:UK Girls” and “CD:UK Boys”. The only link it seems to have the TV programme whose logo is splashed throughout is that it is “set in the CD:UK studio”.

Even assuming that the Producers of CD:UK were aware that they were using it – and that they didn’t just sneak in one Saturday afternoon after filming had stopped – that’s not a very exciting claim to fame.

The real celebrity is behind the dancers.

The credits reveal that it was shot at Riverside Studios which is one of the most frequently employed TV studios in the country. They shoot tons of stuff there. CD:UK isn’t even a big enough deal to get a mention on their website.

With slightly different set-dressing this entire workout could have been just as legitimately marketed as the “Apprentice: You’re Fired – Dance Workout.”

The DVD is split into two dances and there’s a routine and a performance for each one.  The routine is where Andy explains the moves and the performance is where we put it all together.

Andy gives it to us straight.

As Andy says in his introduction: “Many people nowadays spend a lot of time watching TV, playing video games and listening to music”

Woah, Andy, where are you going with this? Surely CD:UK is guilty of encouraging two of those three things you just mentioned?

Luckily our man goes on to say “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s all good and we all do it” before pointing out that there isn’t a lot of exercise involved in those activities and letting us know that the DVD will enable us to “warm up, learn some fierce dance steps and take part in some fantastic choreographed dances.”

Fierce Dance Moves.

The dancers demonstrate everything in “slow motion” first. Their slow motion just looks like normal speed to me, to be honest. After that everything goes a bit crazy and the routine becomes a blur of gyrating body-popping danciness.

In addition to the routines, there are a handful of uninspiring extras – behind the scenes recordings, that sort of thing. Thankfully no stupid diet plan for once. That’s not all we get though. Oh, no. As it says on the DVD Box – “Find the hidden ‘Easter Egg’ to reveal an exclusive extra feature!”

Dude, seriously? You throw together a dance CD:UK cashing in on a programme which had already stopped broadcasting by the time that this was released and now you expect me to spend my own time looking for an extra hidden somewhere on the DVD? Do you really think I am going to do that?

Well of course, I am. Obviously. I will go to any lengths it seems to give you people the information you need. I had to actually look for it myself, as well. You’d be surprised to learn – as I was by about my eighteenth Google search - that the internet is not crammed full of people asking how to find the CD:UK Dance Workout Easter Egg. Or people providing the solution, for that matter.

Fear not people, the story has a happy ending. Your hero did manage to unlock the hidden secrets of the Dance Workout DVD.

Now I know a great many of you will to discover the magic for yourselves, so anybody who doesn’t want to know the result, for the love of God, look away now!

SPOILER ALERT *** SPOILER ALERT *** SPOILER ALERT

Right, listen carefully. You get to the Easter Egg by going to the main menu, highlighting ‘Pick a Section’ and then clicking the left button. The screen will then flash a message saying “Found Easter Egg!!!!” and your shrivelled little heart will swell with wonder.

The happiest moment of my life so far.

The exclusive extra feature is... wait a minute, actually. Before we get to that, what does the fuck does ‘exclusive’ mean in this context? Exclusive as it only features on this DVD? Much like all the rest of the routines and extras on this DVD then? I suspect there’s a fine line between ‘exclusive’ and ‘shit no-one else cares about’.

Anyway, it’s just the gang looking very sweaty doing one of the dance routines in double time. So that’s that.

*** END OF SPOILERS FOR CRAPPY ARSE FITNESS DVD ***

Best Bit

While the DVD might not have a great deal to recommend by way of fitness instruction, the young people involved are all pretty good dancers. The main presenter, Andy Instone seems a pretty cool guy when you read up on him. He is committed to breaking down any preconceptions boys might have about dancing not being a masculine activity. He runs workshops and community projects and has even taught dancing to young offenders in prisons.

Hey bro, you don’t have to convince me of the manliness of dancing. I’ve seen “You got served.”

Worst Bit

You know what else the television programme CD:UK was famous for apart from Cat Deeley and Ant ‘n’ Dec? Featuring lots of music. It was a chart show which included a rundown of the top 20 so all the music featured was the really popular mainstream stuff. Stuff you would recognise if I came on your car radio. Stuff you’d remember the words to whether you particularly wanted to or not.

The makers of the Dance Workout DVD have decided to honour this fine music tradition by not including any recognisable tunes whatsoever and instead plumping for the sort of cheap-ass commissioned plinky-plonky soundtrack where you don’t have to acknowledge anyone in the end credits.

Although, in this case, it sounds less like someone randomly throwing golf balls at a Casio Keyboard and more like the thumping bass beats you would hear through your ceiling if your upstairs neighbour had his stereo on a bit too loud.

None of these songs featured on the Workout. Guaranteed.

Difficulty Level

“If you get lost or we go too fast just go back to the slow motion part until you’ve nailed it” says Andy. Who then goes on to say “when we do any mad stuff or transformations to liven things up, don’t worry about copying – just do what you can”. I may have decided to interpret most of the DVD as ‘mad stuff’ because it really was very fast, very complicated and very much the sort of thing that is probably best attempted by professional dancers.

Mad stuff. Possibly.

Would I do this Workout Again?

Well Andy seems to want me to. He seems adamant that if I watch  the DVD enough times rewinding to re-watch the instruction-y bits then sooner or later I will get the hang of it.

I can’t share his optimism I’m afraid. Even if followed his advice, it would take years. And I would still be rubbish at the end of it.

I will leave this sort of thing to the kind of super-cool young people who take place in Andy Instone’s Urban Strides dance classes.

Diversity – Dance Fitness Fusion

Diversity are a dance troupe fronted by Ashley Banjo whose five million members include Jordan, Sam, Mitchell, Ashton, Ian, Jamie, Matthew, Perri, Warren, Ike, Terry, Rod, Jane, Freddie, Mary, Mungo, Midge, Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich, George and Timmy the Dog.

They won Britain’s Got Talent in 2009 beating Susan Boyle into second place. There was clearly talent to spare that year unlike a few years later when the competition was won by a dancing dog. I saw Ashleigh and Pudsey in pantomime last year, you know. Twice. I sat through a show where the biggest name on the bill was a dog who won a talent show and thought, “Yes I could go through that all over again.”

It’s like I have no taste or shame whatsoever

This DVD was released in 2010 soon after their win. The guys don’t seem to have slowed down any since then, to be honest. Unlike most of the c-listers reviewed here, Diversity’s website appears to be updated every 30 seconds or so with news of all their cool new activities.

Like this, for example. This is no common-or-garden block party. It's ultimate.



Diversity don’t muck about when it comes to putting workouts together either. There are loads of sections here. Every dance has an easy and a hard version and an optional tutorial for both versions. You’d be mad if you tried to go ahead with the dances without Ashley’s tutorial though. Unless you just wanted to watch the dances with no intention of participating. Which come to think of it might be the less mad option.

That way you could just appreciate their choreographed coolness without having to worry about tripping over your own feet or putting your back out. Impressively, the fact that the crotch of their trousers are somewhere round their knees doesn’t seem to  hamper their movements any.

You're not making life easy for yourselves, you know, boys.

Different members of the troupe join in for different bits of the workout. The sections include Funky Fusion, Break Down and Fast and Slow. Each dance has its own t-shirt colour: blue for funky fusion, red for the breakdown, lilac for the tutorials and so on.

Ashley Banjo. A man with a t-shirt to match his every mood. 

At the end the workouts there is an extra dance routine called “Three Elements” where they mix up different moves – and t-shirts - from each of the sections

It’s a riot of colour!

Best Bit
Diversity are great fun to watch. They hurl themselves around like they have evolved to the point where they use a different method of propulsion to normal humans with a  fairly relaxed attitude to the laws of gravity. It’s like looking through a kaleidoscope where the bits inside consist of human bodies and Reebok trainers.

Worst Bit

I’m not sure how well any of this works as actual dance instruction. Ashley rattles through the instructions at break-neck speed while the cameramen seem committed to including the largest possible number of arty swooping shots and the smallest number of full body shots which allow us to see the dancers’ feet. The whole thing seemed baffling to me. But then I did resolutely ignore Ashley’s advice to pause and re-watch any parts I wasn’t sure of. The thing would have taken weeks to get though if I’d done that.

Bending doesn't really work that way for me. Or balance.

Would I do this Workout again?

Oh man, the Diversity workout is not for me. It’s for cool funky young types who look good in snap-backs and three-quarter-length shorts. The sort of people who should be doing this workout are probably super-fit already. What with all the aggressive skating, freerunning and then shooting some b-ball outside of the school.

Banjo looks exhausted! What hope is there for mortal folk?

These workouts are just not appropriate for someone who has the same Body fat percentage as a cheese toastie.

Susan Boyle didn’t release a workout DVD, thank goodness. It would have made as much sense as Diversity singing Mull of Kintyre at the Queen’s Jubilee Pageant. Still, if the “I Dreamed a Dream ... of Getting Fit!” workout did exist, I think I would be rather better suited to it than I was this one.

You Got Served – Take it to the Streets

You Got Served is a 2004 film about competitive street dancing  in Los Angeles and not – as you might have a supposed -  a reboot of 1970s comedy Are you being served? There is a disappointing absence of lilac haired old ladies making veiled vagina references

Not the same thing at all

 

What the film does have, though, is an abundance of cool dance moves. So if cool dance moves were what  you were after then this was the very film for you. Particularly if you were none too bothered about convincing acting or a decent plot.

And if after watching it, you walked away thinking “Man, I’d love to dance like that. If only the choreographer would give me step-by-step instructions on how to dance like David and Elgin and their crew” then, boy, were you in luck. They totally had your back, bro.

This could be you

You Got Served: Take it to the streets was released the same year and is fronted by the film’s choreographer Dave Scott who invites you to “Learn the Dance Moves Step by Step”

Dave is joined by the coolest bunch of people you ever saw. Dave’s an unbelievably cool guy himself.  Trainers on workout DVDs always try to act cool but you can usually see through their bravado to the panicked desperate persona beneath. Not so, Dave. He got nothing to prove to nobody, He probably didn’t even need to make this DVD he just did it to give share the street dancing love with the little guy. He’s that kind of badass.

Choreographers do not get any cooler than this.

All Dave’s crew are dancers from the movie. This includes Robert James Hoffman III who played the bad guy’s sidekick, Max. Unfortunately RJHIII is by far and away the least cool guy there. And not just because he’s white. Dante next to him probably displays more attitude cleaning his teeth than young Mr III does busting his very best shapes.

But then Dante wasn't in She's the Man so Rob probably wins after all

 

The DVD starts off with a warm-up which requires greater flexibility and quicker reactions than most celebrity workout DVDs do in their entirety. There are two dance routines based on particular dances from the movie as well as an extra one that Dave made up just for us. Because he loves us.

The dance instructions basically can be broken down to this: (1) Do a million different things quickly and in succession. (2) Look cool while you’re doing it. I didn’t excel at this.

At the beginning of the third dance routine, Dave starts his introduction when, oh my goodness, who should turn up all unexpectedly but Chris Jones or “Chris Jones!  Christopher Jones from the movie. Hey, my man.” as Dave greets him. To be fair Jones’ mum probably welcomes him the same way when he nips home for Sunday lunch. Jones played Wade the spiky haired nemesis of the film’s main characters. He’s still sporting the same Dragon Ball Z hairstyle in this which means he’s either turned up in character or he actually does have hair like that.

Spot the difference

The film’s two leading actors, Omari Grandberry and Marques Houston bust some freestyle moves on the  DVD extras luckily for the DVD producers who can then stick the most famous guys on the box with gay abandon.

Difficulty Level
This was insane. Crazy, crazy difficult.  You might think it was difficult learning all the moves to Hannah Montana’s Hoedown Throwdown. And you’d be right hypothetical reader, it was. But it’s got nothing on this.  There are eight million different moves for each dance and they all involve weird things like pretending to pull someone’s trousers down.

Best Bit

The big freestyle party at the end. Even the DJ Richard gets to show us his dance moves. Robert III seems to be doing an impression of a velociraptor because why not.

Would I do this workout again?

I would have to watch this many, many, many times in order to have a hope of doing these dance moves in vaguely the right times. Literally hundreds. I’m not sure where I would find the time. There is an interview with Chris Stokes, the director of the original film on the DVD extras. He tells us we can achieve anything we set our minds to and we should never let anyone else get the way of our dreams. Which is nice but I still think I may have to shelve my ambitions of becoming a freestyling hip-hop street dancer.  I’m not entirely sure I have what it takes to pop, lock, flip freeze and do that thing where you spin on your head for ages. It’s a tragic loss for the world, I know. In a very real sense, we all got served.