Letitia Dean - Lean Routine

So Christmas is over and it’s back to the humdrum routine that is normal life.

And you don’t get more humdrum than Letitia Dean’s workout featuring C-List Celeb’s favourite trainer, Dee Thresher. Dee is something of an expert at whipping Eastenders actresses into shape having previously worked her magic on Natalie Cassidy and Charlie Brooks.

As you know if you regularly consult your Workout-Releasing Eastenders Actors Knowledge Sheet. Which I'm sure you do.

And this is just more of the same really. Same skippety-hop dance moves, same celeb weigh-in, same stupid pointless diet plan. It’s fine. It does what you expect it to. It just seems like Dee found a formula that works and is careful not to deviate one tiny inch from it.

Pictured: skippety-hop dance moves

The only exciting variation on the previous workouts is the unusual decision to stage the whole thing in a hall somewhere which is apparently already furnished for a wedding reception taking place later that day.

"We need to lay the tables now but don't worry, we'll work around you."

Letitia Dean doesn’t have much to say during the workout although she sounds chirpy and disarmingly posh when she does say something. Safe to say that Letitia Dean is rather posher than Sharon Watts. Although, we’re not talking June Brown/Dot Cotton variation. They’re at opposite ends of the poshness scale, those two accents.

Posher than the Queen in real life.

Eastenders’ Sharon has been on the show since the very beginning so obviously the character has been through more than her fair share of drama, heartache and misery. Because Albert Square is positively drenched in gloom and suffering. It oozes out the cracks in the pavements. They have some terrible luck those residents - maybe the square was built on the site of an unconsecrated Pearly King graveyard. There’s definitely something up.

One of her most famous storylines was when her husband, Grant, found out she’d shagged his brother, Phil. Because you can’t just stop at one Mitchell brother, you know? They’re like Pringles. The affair was referred to as “Sharongate”, obviously. Odd to think that if Watergate happened now, we’d call it Watergategate.

Sharongate wasn’t the best Sharon-based storyline, though. You have to go way, way back for that. In 1986, the show’s producers decided what Eastenders really needed was a long drawn-out storyline featuring a battle of the bands competition and every single teenager in the cast creating a pop act in order to strive for music stardom.

You just don't get teens like this any more. I'm not sure you ever did.

It was a stupid decision, obviously. It’s a wonder that Eastenders ever managed to have itself taken seriously when entire chunks of episodes were given over to Letitia Dean and Paul Medford (Kelvin) singing the whole of their teen-tastic pop tune “Something outa Nothing”

You’d have thought they’d be a shoe-in with that number under their belts but artistic differences meant that Simon Wickes left the band (cunningly named “The Banned” – do you see what they did there?) and sang his own number “Every Loser Wins” which became an actual real-life hit for actor Nick Berry. He didn’t have all the glory, though. Berry may have reached the showy heights of Number 1 but Letitia Dean managed to reach a very creditable No.12 with “Something outa Nothing.”


Another example of a big chunk of a prime-time BBC show being used to showcase a pop release. Simon Cowell is clearly missing a trick, here.

So Letitia Dean’s not just an actress and former Strictly Come Dancing contestant, you know. She’s also a One Hit Wonder.

She has very square knees.

I suppose I should return to talking about the workout DVD in question but I’m really not sure I can be bothered. Maybe it’s a post-Christmas thing. Life has been too damn exciting lately. The decorations are still up. There are Quality Streets in little festive bowls. I am now the owner of a FREAKING LED JELLYFISH MOOD LAMP.


Behold the amazingness!

I have been spoiled by awesomeness. Perhaps next week, when the dull drudgery of real life has fully kicked back in, I will appreciate the craftsmanship of a DVD in which two women jump around a bit. But today is not that day. Sorry, Letitia. Blame those Cockney Ghosts.

Camilla Dallerup – Camilla’s Cardiodance Workout

Strictly Come Dancing and Celebrity Workout DVDs are frequent bedfellows. Probably not just bedfellows. More likely frequent, enthusiastic, downright kinky sex buddies.

You couldn’t throw a brick at a Strictly Come Dancing Reunion All-You-Can-Eat buffet lunch without bruising half a dozen C-List Celebrity Workout alumni. Particularly if Gabby Logan, Penny Lancaster, JessieWallace, Natalie Cassidy, Ali Bastion and Fern Britton were all clustered round the chocolate fondue a comfortable brick-hefting distance away.

Camilla in her day job

It stands to reason that if the galumphing celeb contestants can release a dancercise workout then the Strictly Come Dancing professionals must be eminently qualified to instruct and inform us humble plebs. I reviewed ‘Strictly Come Fit Dance Dancey Fit Dance’ some months ago which featured three of the pro dancers. In this DVD, Camilla Dallerup is flying solo. I would continue the sex analogy but we all know how that’s going to end up.

Camilla and her former partner Brendan Cole represented Great Britain in 2007’s Eurovision Dance Contest, incidentally. What do you mean you didn’t know there was a Eurovision Dance contest? You know people like you are the reason it got cancelled after only 2 years due to a “serious lack of interest”.

Britain’s representatives from left to right:  Dane, New Zealander.

Sections on this DVD include a Warm Up,  – which Camilla delightfully pronounces “Worm Up” throughout –Jive Kick Calorie Burner, Booty Blitz and Latin Combat. “Who says you can’t dance and punch at the same time?” asks the DVD blurb. I don’t think anyone’s ever said you can’t to be honest. I’m not sure anyone’s really felt the need. There’s a section called “Core Fusion” which trainer Steve Richardson gets to be in charge of. Because Camilla doesn’t want to be the bad guy, presumably.

Don't mess with the Steve

The workout is a bit light on DVD extras. We barely even get an introduction before we’re plunged into the Worm Up. I’ve clearly been spoiled by other celebrities. A workout just doesn’t feel complete these days unless it’s accompanied by a poorly explained diet plan, a ‘making of’ documentary and some in-depth interviews with a celebrity, their trainer, the chief sound engineer and the lady who designed the leg warmers.

And the lady who does Camilla's hair, of course.

Best Bit

Camilla has an uncanny resemblance to Kylie Minogue. If Neighbours ever want to bring Charlene back without waiting for Minogue to find a window in her calendar, then Camilla would be the very girl to play her. I have no idea if Camilla can act but I am pretty certain that isn’t one of the criteria for getting a part in Neighbours. They could explain her Danish accent by saying that Charlene had a stroke and woke up speaking with a different accent because that’s an actual thing. 

Uncanny

Worst Bit

Tiffany is the “Watch if you want the easy version” member of Camilla’s dance troupe. It would seem that the easy way to do Camilla’s dance moves is to always keep your arms by your side like you’re performing Riverdance. It doesn’t help a great deal to be honest.

Difficulty Level

At the beginning of the Jive Kick Calorie Burner section, Camilla says “We’ve got some jive moves in here and a bit of twist. So you probably know a lot of the dance steps already.” I fear she may have massively over-estimated my dance expertise.

The dance workouts aren’t hard to do, particularly, but they do involve a lot of quick changes between moves that Camilla expects you to recognise even though I’m sure they don’t exist anywhere outside this DVD. “And now, Charleston Run!” That’s not a thing, Camilla! You just made that up.

Particularly favoured by the gentlemen, that one.

Would I do this workout again?

I doubt it. I mean, sure Camilla, you showed me the magical world of Latino dancing combined with boxing but I feel that just isn’t enough for me any more. I want to mix new types of dance and violence. Salsa stabbing, for instance. Or Baroque beheading.

This looks promising.

Natalie Cassidy – Then & Now Workout

Natalie Cassidy is the 5^th Eastenders actress workout to be featured on C-List Celebrity Workouts. She follows in the illustrious footsteps of Barbara Windsor, Jessie Wallace, Hannah Waterman and Charlie Brooks. It is a time honoured traditions for residents of Albert Square to don their lycra and share 60 minutes of themselves leaping about a bit with the world.

 If you consult your Cut-Out-and-Keep* Workout-Releasing Eastenders Actors Knowledge Sheet you can see that we haven’t even hit the halfway mark yet.

*Don’t really try to cut this out of your computer screen. That wouldn’t end well.

There’s some serious work ahead of us and six more workouts to get through before we can call “house!” on our Eastenders  bingo card. That’s assuming more Eastenders actors don’t release workout DVDs in the meantime. I suspect I would be powerless to stop them.

Not that I’d want to of, course.  I vote June Brown does one next. Or AdamWoodyatt.

You know, that dream could be closer than we realise.

Natalie teamed up with Charlie Brooks’ fitness instructor, Dee Thresher for this workout which was released in 2007, a couple of years after Charlie’s “Before and After” workout.

Dee is clearly not one to mess with a tried and tested formula. The workout is almost completely identical to the previous one. Including the footage of Natalie’s first workout and lots of close up foot action as she steps on the scales. All Dee’s signature moves are here: the box-step, the side-to-side skippy thing , lots of pelvis action. The whole thing’s too dance-y for my liking. She acts like it’s going to be all no-nonsense aerobic stuffs and then drops a choreographed dance sequence on you.

The sections are named things like SWEAT! and PUNCH! I was looking forward to the PUNCH section as I love a bit of pretend violence, me. Rather than getting stuck into imaginary fist fights, Dee has us skipping about like cheerleaders.

 

Street-fighting. Dee Thresher style.

Natalie and Dee seem to get on pretty well. Although, at one point Dee remarks to Natalie, “Let’s see if we can wipe that smile off your face.”

“You’ll have a job” responds Nat who then makes it her personal mission to SMILE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE for the rest of the workout. She looks completely deranged. It was lovely to watch.

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!



Natalie delivers the classic celebrity workout line : “If I can do it – anyone can!” I wish I had been  keeping count of which celebrities have come out with those exact words. I reckon it’s all of them apart from Mark Wahlberg so far.

Best Bit

The exercise studio is  somewhere in London overlooking the Shell Mex building and the London Eye. It’s quite exciting. It’s the first C-List Celebrity Workout that looks like it might actually be taking place in the real world.

Tops of buildings! Some Flags!

Genuinely the most excited I've been about anything in a workout DVD ever.

It ought to be possible to identify the building that this is being filmed in based on the view from the window. I will try and work it out and then incorporate it into a CLCW walking tour. It’ll be great. I need a few more sites of historical C-List Celebrity Workout Importance first. Then I’ll organise a group of us to go round each one and do some appropriate fitness routines at each location.

Worst Bit

Sure you promise extras, Natalie Cassidy’s Then & Now Workout DVD, but what do you actually deliver? An “Eating Plan” which just consists of some words on the screen and barest outline of a healthy eating plan.

OK. Seems reasonable.

Wait, you haven’t said how often I can have these. I’m guessing about five or six times a day, right?

Luckily Natalie did a whole programme on how to eat for the BBC so don’t panic. Apparently living for a week on just maple syrup and water can make you feel a bit giddy.  You might want to make a note of that for future reference.

Weirdest Bit

“So Long, Sonja!” says the back of the DVD box. Who the hell is Sonja and why are we are saying goodbye to her?  I am presuming that they don’t mean Natalie’s Eastenders character, Sonia Fowler because surely whoever was writing the bit of bumph on the back of the box would have put in the cursory amount of research necessary to spell the name properly. Perhaps they’re talking about Queen Sonja of Norway. She might have been going off on a trip somewhere at the time.

Difficulty Level
This was far too complicated for me. I’m not here to memorise a dance routine, Dee. Just show me some squats and tell me to get on with it.

Would I do this workout again?

No. As I said it is almost identical to Charlie Brooks’  Before & After Workout. However, I do have the next Dee Thresher/Eastenders Actor mash-up to look forward to – Leticia Dean’s “Lean Routine”. I bet I can’t do that one either.

Penny Lancaster – Ultimate Body Workout

The DVD I have is titled the “Hot Legs Workout” and in tiny writing on the back of the box, is the message “previously released as the Ultimate Body Workout” which is the name that’s splashed throughout the DVD on the menu, credits and before every single section.

You can't fool me. I can read words.

So why change it? Is there a “Hot Legs” reference I’m not getting? Or is this a cunning ploy to try to get people who loved the workout under its original name to accidentally buy it all over again. In which case, shame on you, Penny Lancaster!

The DVD I had looked like the cover had been badly printed on a printer that was running out of yellow. It was definitely legit though, I bought it in Poundland. It still had the cellophane on it and everything,

Nothing but the best for you people

Penny Lancaster is a model, reality show star and the wife of croaky voiced crooner, Rod Stewart for the past five years. The pair presumably having bonded over their shared love of big shaggy hairstyles.

For the workout, Penny is joined by her qualified fitness instructor brother Oliver Lancaster and his girlfriend Louise Crocker.

I have no idea why.

The pair literally do not say a word for the entirety of the DVD.  Penny takes centre stage and does all the talking. The other two just silently get on with her routine in the background. I’m not sure they even make eye contact with her.

I worry they might have had a massive spat just before shooting and Penny cut all her brother’s lines along with a planned “Robot-style Jazzacise” routine in the middle.

Do not say a word, you two.

Penny herself is a trained aerobics instructor and used to do this sort of thing for a living before she took up modelling and married into pop royalty. She tells us that these are her own personally choreographed routines and excitedly tells us that the routines contain:

• Muscular Strength & Endurance exercises
• Aerobics
• Cardio-Vascular exercises
• Boxing
• Dance
• Yoga
• Pilates
• Even Floor Work!

Even Floor Work? Seriously, Penny? You thought that was the best one to leave to the end, did you? That was the special treat that would get us all excited.

 

Penny Lancaster : A Model

This picture has nothing to do with the previous sentence.

 

For all its build up, it’s a pretty humdrum set of exercises to be honest.  Maybe I’ve just been spoilt by other celebrities.

The warm up reminded me of the Wii Fit Step. It consisted of taking steps to forward then the odd step to the side. All it really lacked was an audience of Miis living in a world so starved of entertainment that they’ll applaud wildly at anything.

This is the level of appreciation I need

 

The DVD extras contain an interview with Penny with a very over-excited interviewer who doesn’t seem to warrant a mention on the credits.  I bet she’s a T4 presenter. She’s got that vibe about her.

Who is this woman?

“So” our unnamed lady squeaks, “Rod’s inside having lunch! You’ve got the beach outside! And you’re just about to shoot a fitness video! Is this just a normal day in your life?!”

To be fair, love, her husband having his lunch probably is a fairly routine occurrence. I don’t believe Rod was really on set. Surely they’d have dragged him in for one scene just so they could stick a special “Appearance by Rod Stewart!” sticker on the box. He wouldn’t have to do a routine or anything. Maybe just dribble a football in the back of the shot in order to sprinkle some A List Celebrity fairydust on the whole endeavour.

Penny takes her man for a walk

Still, young Penny is clearly a strong, independent woman.  She was originally approached to make a fitness DVD as a model alongside her very own Radu Teodorescu or Roy Gayle. But she was clearly all “Nu-Uh. You think I got those aerobics instructor certificates for nothing? I’m running this show!”

She says that she took the project on 5 weeks before the shooting began. Initially, it sounds like short notice but if you think about it all, she had to do was come up with some routines – which she claims she does all the time in her real life anyway.  I doubt very much she had to take responsibility for booking the location or hiring the camera crew. Hell, I reckon even I could throw together a fitness video in less than 5 weeks. Mine wouldn’t have Rod Stewart in it either.

Of course, Rod really should release his own workout.

Best Bit

Penny tells us about her eating habits. Initially maintaining that she eats just a regular person, she then recommends that rather than eat chocolate, you should just sniff instead as a low calorie alternative. I’m not sure anyone who can pick chocolate up, smell it and then set it down again is an actual human being. When hostile aliens start infiltrating our planet and attempting to disguise themselves among us, this is one of the tests that humans will use.

This lovely Penny Lancaster collage was on www.bestcelebwallpapers.com.

I think it may be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Worst Bit

The style in which this workout is shot with colour footage intercut with grainy black and white is reminiscent of fellow model Cindy Crawford’s workouts. I suspect that she is deliberately paying homage. Which seems a bit sad, really. Penny Lancaster is literally the poundshop Cindy Crawford.

Using one colour camera and one black and white camera, she could have paid homage the Blair Witch Project instead. That would have been great.  Everyone loves Celebrity Workouts. Everybody loves horror. Why has nobody ever made a crossover?

Difficulty Level

Silent Louise was quietly getting on with the beginner level moves in the background but nothing was all that taxing here. Which on the one hand is great because I like my life to be easy but on the other hand, leads me to suspect that Penny doesn’t just rely on these moves in order to keep herself in shape. I suppose sniffing your food rather than actually eating it must help though.

Would I do this work out again?
Nah, life’s too short to be joining uninteresting models jogging on the spot in locations that are presumably meant to look tropical but actually look a bit cold and windy.

Unlike this sunny location where Rod is literally having to use his wife as a sunshade.

Although, if she keeps releasing this workout under different names, there’s every chance that I’ll review the “Penny Lancaster: Wearing Shorts by a Swimming Pool Workout” or something in a year’s time and just think the whole thing looks terribly familiar.

Strictly Come Dancing - Strictly Fit

 

“Strictly Come Dancing” is a stupid name for a television series, isn’t it? I appreciate that the programme makers are paying homage to the classic ballroom dancing show “Come Dancing” while trying to funky it up a little with a Strictly Ballroom reference. It still makes no sense, though. I imagine someone scribbled the name on a whiteboard in one of the early development meetings with a cheery “Obviously, it’ll be something less lame than that. We’ll come back to it later.” Only they never did. And now we’re stuck with it.

Come Dancing. When it was done properly. By women who made their own dresses. One of the many cash-in opportunities Strictly has provided us with, along with sellout tours, audio CDs and a Glitzy Glamour Sticker Book, are a bunch of Workout DVDs.

This one appears from the cover to be called “Strictly Come Dancing Strictly Fit Dance Fit” A catchy title and no mistake. It features three of the professional dancers from the show – Natalie Lowe, Ola Jordan and Artem Chigvintsev.

They divvy up the dance routines between them so that Natalie takes care of the Samba, Artem does the Paso Doble and Ola does the Cha Cha Cha. All three presenters band together for the Jive section and there is also a warm-up and cool-down. I appreciate that they are trying to link back to real dances that they do on the television shows. However, seeing Artem do the Paso Doble with a bunch of sullen looking extras just reminds you of him doing the same dance under happier circumstances.


 

One of the Artem’s backing guys really did seem to be giving him evils through the routine. I imagined there was some kind of messy break-up between them. To be honest, I assumed that all the performers in that section were entangled in some kind of complicated love pentagon.

Love's a Complicated Thing

 

The dance routines seem to be taking place in the foyer of an old theatre and there are a troupe of background dancers who have clearly been given instructions not to upstage or out-smile our main guys. (Natalie in particular is the smiliest person on the planet. It’s exhausting just looking at her.) These may be the only instructions the dancers were given as they don’t seem very clear on their moves a lot of the time and may be doing it for the first time here. Which I suppose put them in the same position as me. Only with talent. And grace. And a much lower BMI.

The DVD comes with no intros and no extras. Which was odd and certainly doesn’t make my life any easier. Even more disappointing was the complete absence of the ‘Studio Sessions’ segment mentioned on the box. We’re promised a ‘high intensity dance practise session’ to do once we’ve got the hang of the routines.

LIES

Make no mistake, I hadn’t got the hang of the routines at all, but I’m highly sceptical that the DVD actually knew that. This section was nowhere to be seen. Not in the Main Menu, Not in the Workout Menu and not under the Dance Glossary section. I even started clicking the arrow button around randomly in case it was hidden Easter-Egg style somewhere. I have a strong mind to write to the BBC and see what they have to say for themselves.

Best Bit

Ola’s delightful Polish accent. She has a wonderful sing-song inflection and counts along to the moves by saying “ta ta ta”. (Which sounds a lot lovelier than it looks written down.) Best of all, every so often her accent goes a little bit cockney. She’s like an Eastern European princess who’s been hanging around with the Slater sisters too much. Which I suppose is a pretty fair depiction of her life on Strictly.

Worst Bit.

I know I’m always going on about Plinky Plonky music but the half-hearted ring-tones that make up the soundtrack to this DVD deserve some kind of special award. Our dancers were clearly busting their moves in a silent studio and the muzak was added on post-production. Presumably by the tea boy after he had accidentally erased the original soundtrack in a comedy slapstick fashion. The soundtrack bears no relation to the rhythm of the dances or the type of dance being performed. Using Latin American music for the Cha Cha Cha is apparently so passé these days.

The menu gives you the option to do the work out without the presenter’s instructions and just the music. In case you really loathe yourself and feel you have to be punished for something. Incidentally, you can achieve the same effect with any of the DVDs in your collection by simply hitting the mute button and then phoning an organisation and asking to be put on hold.

Difficulty Level
To be fair, the dance moves are simply and patiently explained. It’s almost like they expect the viewer to be an incompetent idiot. Which I found very useful.

Would I do this Workout Again

Only to discover the secret of accessing that bloody Studio Session. Maybe there's a special cheat code. I may put the DVD back in the machine again just so I can start desperately pressing the up down buttons on the remote control in the forlorn hope that the Mythical Dance Session will be revealed. If it it ever is, there is a just the teeniest chance it may be a bit of an anti-climax.