A Fame Dance Workout

I was particularly excited about reviewing ‘A Fame Workout’ for you guys because in a departure from CLCW’s usual practise of procuring its workouts from bargain bins, charity shops and roadside hedges, I am in possession of a preview copy of this DVD due to be released on 9^thDecember. CLCW is going up in the world.

Or so I thought. To be fair, if I had a more inquiring nature, I may have wondered why a ‘Fame’ themed workout was hitting the shops now when it’s been over 4 years since even the shitty remake was released.

Shitty remake.

Turns out that the DVD has been released before in 2009 which is a little disappointing although it does take the pressure off me having to avoid spoilers.

The 2013 edition comes with a companion book though which sets it apart from its predecessor. It’s incomprehensibly called “Little Book of Fame Dance Workout” because fuck the rules of sense and grammar.

The workout is fronted by one “K Knight”. That’s clearly all the name he needs as the dancers refer to him only as ‘K’. Any brief theories  I may have had that K here was modelling himself on Will Smith in Men In Black were squashed when I checked and found out Will was J. K is the other one. This dude is apparently modelling himself on Tommy Lee Jones.

Quite Right too.

K is joined by six dancers: Michelle, Tisha, Janine, Lauren, Rie and Nellie and a whole host of other lovely ladies who watch from the sidelines. Wait, why is K the only guy there? I know Fame, I watched the 80s series and if I remember rightly, there was more than one guy in it. It wasn’t just about Leroy Johnson running a harem.

Although I would have watched that, too.

I discovered from watching the “Making of” featurette on the DVD (and seriously, who else apart from me and possible some of the performer’s family, are ever watch those?) that the director is Steve Kemsley. It turns out that Kemsley has directed millions of celeb workouts. Geri Halliwell, Ann Diamond, Jade Goody, Beverley Callard, Nell McAndrew, you bloody name it.

Steve is, apparently 'wacky'.

The Fame Workout  doesn’t seem to warrant a mention on his IMDB page which is odd because he admits involvement in Nadia’s Latino Dance Workout which may be the shoddiest piece of shit ever cobbled together and flogged to people as fitness instruction.

If it weren’t for Steve, we’d probably all be twiddling out thumbs here at CLCW Towers. I’m not sure how I’d occupy my time. I ought to send him a muffin basket or something to say thank you.

C-List Celebrity Workouts: Past Present and Future.

The DVD cover is at pains to point out that this DVD is an unofficial product “inspired but not endorsed by either movie”.
It doesn’t matter, really. I don’t feel the same sense of disappointment as when I found that CD:UK or Pussycat Dolls workouts were only tangentially linked to their titles.

Frankly, if I’m watching a Fame Fitness DVD there’s only one question that I need answering...

Does it have the Irene Cara ‘Fame’ song in it?

And if the answer is “Of course it does! What kind of cretins you take us for?” then I’m happy. Thankfully, in this crucial regard, the Fame Dance Workout delivers

Fame!

I'm gonna live forever

I'm gonna learn how to fly

High!

I feel it coming together

People will see me and cry

Fame! 

Best Bit

The best thing about watching the workout, is keeping your eyes on the performing arts “students” lolling around on the benches. 

They’re clearly under instructions to look as though they are having the most fun ever. Watching the dancers doing the workouts, whooping, nodding along, occasionally pretending to chat to one another. They have a much harder job than the main dancers, to be honest but they make an excellent job of it. Especially the girl in the orange cardigan and green socks. She’s displaying in some expert sprawling skills, right there.

It seems a little unfair that the dancers don’t get shuffled around at all. After doing the warm-up, I expected to see some different dancers showing us the moves for the dance sections. But no, it’s the same six dancers (and K) every time. I bet they were all hoping that someone would twist an ankle or something.

Still, you needn’t fret too much. Sure, they’ve probably all got pins and needles from artfully lounging about the set for an hour and a half but then near the end of the “Fame Freestyle” segment something amazing happens. K invites them to come join him and his A-Listers on the dancefloor. 

It’s beautiful, man. Seeing those all those wannabes twisting and twirling their little hearts out in a desperate attempt to catch the eye of the cameraman by any means possible.

You go, orange cardigan girl. I believe in you.

Difficulty Level

This was incredibly difficult not least because nothing was explained properly. Although that’s obviously why you get the book now. If I’d done my research properly beforehand I probably would have been OK.

Would I do this workout again?

You know, I’m not going to live forever; I’m unlikely to ever learn how to fly (High!). Some people are meant to catch the moon in the hands and light up the sky like a flame (Fame!), and some are just supposed to loll around on benches pretending to be vaguely interested in stuff.

I consider myself very much part of the second group. I can’t see myself ever revisiting this workout.

Obviously I recommend each and every one of you rush out and buy it of course. It’s the perfect Christmas present – being as it is very easy to wrap.

Of course, if any of you wereplanning to purchase this for your very own, I do now have a copy going spare. Barely used at all. I’ve watched the DVD and thumbed through the book but it’s not I’ve drawn moustaches on any of the dancers or anything. Tell you what; send an email to clistcelebrityworkouts@gmail.comwith your address in it and the first one I receive will be sent a copy of this DVD and book set*. Don’t say I never do anything for you.

You know you want it.

* UK only, I’m afraid. I’m not made of money.

CD:UK – Dance Workout

CD:UK was a television chart show which was presented by, amongst others, Cat Deeley, Holly Willoughby, Myleene Klass, Lauren Laverne and  Ant ‘n’ Dec.

None of these people are in any way featured on, mentioned during or presumably aware of this spin-off Dance Fitness DVD.

Completely unrelated.

The DVD is fronted by Andy Instone and his tiny tribes of “CD:UK Girls” and “CD:UK Boys”. The only link it seems to have the TV programme whose logo is splashed throughout is that it is “set in the CD:UK studio”.

Even assuming that the Producers of CD:UK were aware that they were using it – and that they didn’t just sneak in one Saturday afternoon after filming had stopped – that’s not a very exciting claim to fame.

The real celebrity is behind the dancers.

The credits reveal that it was shot at Riverside Studios which is one of the most frequently employed TV studios in the country. They shoot tons of stuff there. CD:UK isn’t even a big enough deal to get a mention on their website.

With slightly different set-dressing this entire workout could have been just as legitimately marketed as the “Apprentice: You’re Fired – Dance Workout.”

The DVD is split into two dances and there’s a routine and a performance for each one.  The routine is where Andy explains the moves and the performance is where we put it all together.

Andy gives it to us straight.

As Andy says in his introduction: “Many people nowadays spend a lot of time watching TV, playing video games and listening to music”

Woah, Andy, where are you going with this? Surely CD:UK is guilty of encouraging two of those three things you just mentioned?

Luckily our man goes on to say “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s all good and we all do it” before pointing out that there isn’t a lot of exercise involved in those activities and letting us know that the DVD will enable us to “warm up, learn some fierce dance steps and take part in some fantastic choreographed dances.”

Fierce Dance Moves.

The dancers demonstrate everything in “slow motion” first. Their slow motion just looks like normal speed to me, to be honest. After that everything goes a bit crazy and the routine becomes a blur of gyrating body-popping danciness.

In addition to the routines, there are a handful of uninspiring extras – behind the scenes recordings, that sort of thing. Thankfully no stupid diet plan for once. That’s not all we get though. Oh, no. As it says on the DVD Box – “Find the hidden ‘Easter Egg’ to reveal an exclusive extra feature!”

Dude, seriously? You throw together a dance CD:UK cashing in on a programme which had already stopped broadcasting by the time that this was released and now you expect me to spend my own time looking for an extra hidden somewhere on the DVD? Do you really think I am going to do that?

Well of course, I am. Obviously. I will go to any lengths it seems to give you people the information you need. I had to actually look for it myself, as well. You’d be surprised to learn – as I was by about my eighteenth Google search - that the internet is not crammed full of people asking how to find the CD:UK Dance Workout Easter Egg. Or people providing the solution, for that matter.

Fear not people, the story has a happy ending. Your hero did manage to unlock the hidden secrets of the Dance Workout DVD.

Now I know a great many of you will to discover the magic for yourselves, so anybody who doesn’t want to know the result, for the love of God, look away now!

SPOILER ALERT *** SPOILER ALERT *** SPOILER ALERT

Right, listen carefully. You get to the Easter Egg by going to the main menu, highlighting ‘Pick a Section’ and then clicking the left button. The screen will then flash a message saying “Found Easter Egg!!!!” and your shrivelled little heart will swell with wonder.

The happiest moment of my life so far.

The exclusive extra feature is... wait a minute, actually. Before we get to that, what does the fuck does ‘exclusive’ mean in this context? Exclusive as it only features on this DVD? Much like all the rest of the routines and extras on this DVD then? I suspect there’s a fine line between ‘exclusive’ and ‘shit no-one else cares about’.

Anyway, it’s just the gang looking very sweaty doing one of the dance routines in double time. So that’s that.

*** END OF SPOILERS FOR CRAPPY ARSE FITNESS DVD ***

Best Bit

While the DVD might not have a great deal to recommend by way of fitness instruction, the young people involved are all pretty good dancers. The main presenter, Andy Instone seems a pretty cool guy when you read up on him. He is committed to breaking down any preconceptions boys might have about dancing not being a masculine activity. He runs workshops and community projects and has even taught dancing to young offenders in prisons.

Hey bro, you don’t have to convince me of the manliness of dancing. I’ve seen “You got served.”

Worst Bit

You know what else the television programme CD:UK was famous for apart from Cat Deeley and Ant ‘n’ Dec? Featuring lots of music. It was a chart show which included a rundown of the top 20 so all the music featured was the really popular mainstream stuff. Stuff you would recognise if I came on your car radio. Stuff you’d remember the words to whether you particularly wanted to or not.

The makers of the Dance Workout DVD have decided to honour this fine music tradition by not including any recognisable tunes whatsoever and instead plumping for the sort of cheap-ass commissioned plinky-plonky soundtrack where you don’t have to acknowledge anyone in the end credits.

Although, in this case, it sounds less like someone randomly throwing golf balls at a Casio Keyboard and more like the thumping bass beats you would hear through your ceiling if your upstairs neighbour had his stereo on a bit too loud.

None of these songs featured on the Workout. Guaranteed.

Difficulty Level

“If you get lost or we go too fast just go back to the slow motion part until you’ve nailed it” says Andy. Who then goes on to say “when we do any mad stuff or transformations to liven things up, don’t worry about copying – just do what you can”. I may have decided to interpret most of the DVD as ‘mad stuff’ because it really was very fast, very complicated and very much the sort of thing that is probably best attempted by professional dancers.

Mad stuff. Possibly.

Would I do this Workout Again?

Well Andy seems to want me to. He seems adamant that if I watch  the DVD enough times rewinding to re-watch the instruction-y bits then sooner or later I will get the hang of it.

I can’t share his optimism I’m afraid. Even if followed his advice, it would take years. And I would still be rubbish at the end of it.

I will leave this sort of thing to the kind of super-cool young people who take place in Andy Instone’s Urban Strides dance classes.

Vicky Binns – Dance It Off

There’s not a lot of variety in Workout DVD titles, is there? It’s all Dance this, Fitness that, Body the other. Clearly the celebs – or the celeb’s well-paid DVD Naming Manager – just grab the nearest couple of words from their box of Fitness Workout Fridge Magnet Poetry and figure they’re good to go.

"Yeah, that'll do."

It would be so much more satisfying if the workout names actually reflected the contents of the DVD. “Barbara Windsor acts like a mental and frightens her carer” for example. Or “Someone locks the girls from Hollyoaks in their basement for some reason”.

Vicky Binns’ workout would be called “Look At How Great My Arse Looks in These Silver Hotpants! Seriously – Take a Look! Closer than that!”

Do you see?

Her arse does look great, it’s true. And we all know that shiny silver lamé is not the most forgiving of fabrics. Many is the time I’ve eaten a whole packet of hobnobs just because they were there, squeezed into my XXXXL hotpants, looked in the mirror and thought “Can I really pull this look off”. Inevitably deciding “Damn right I can!” and striding purposefully off to my job interview or parent/tutor conference.

Me, dressed up to go out, yesterday.

Vicky and her trainer, Rachel Ravenscroft, guide us through the various sections which include Street Heat, Urban Burn, Power Groove and Core Control. The workout appears to take place in a Junior School hall straight after the school disco. They’ve still got the glitter collages made by the Year 5s on the wall.

Vicky is alumnus of not one but two soap operas having appeared in both Emmerdale and Coronation Street. This means if I had C-List Celebrity Bingo cards I would be able to tick off the “Ex-Soap Star” box for sure. In fact if I had C-List Celebrity Workout Bingo Cards I would have done pretty well with Binns. I could have ticked the “Inappropriate Workout Wear” box and the “Shit, pointless diet plan” one.

It would actually make a pretty good drinking game. It’s a pity you’re expressly warned not to drink when following workouts given that  celebrity fitness DVDs and alcohol seem such natural bed fellows really.

Best Bit

The way in which the girls glittery tops  match the stripe down the sides of each of their tracksuit bottoms. Did they have them made specially, do you think? Or at least had a member of the wardrobe team sew on the stripes on for them?

That's attention to detail right there.

Worst Bit

I really do hate the crappy excuses for diet plans that keep cropping up on these fitness DVDs. It’s such a  lazy Will-this-do way to claim that your DVD contains an extra. Presumably the production meeting goes something like, “So what about the DVD extras? Should we film something specially.” “Nah – [Insert Celebrity Name]  just stuck a few menu ideas together – let’s do that.” “Brilliant. Anyone fancy a pint?”.

Call that a diet plan? You need more plan.

At least mix it up a bit. Make it slightly interactive. Stick a photo of a grapefruit as a background. Make some fucking effort.

Difficulty Level

When it wasn’t being baffling dance moves this was quite a good workout.  There were lunges and thrusts and boxing bits. Like Vicky says in her introduction “This is not just mincing around your handbag.”

Would I do this Workout Again?

Rest assured, Vicky. If my ‘C-List Celebrity Workout Clichés Drinking Bingo Party’ actually ever does happen, then “Dance it off” will be one of the first DVDs I reach for.

Lucy Benjamin - Dancercise

I have spent most of today learning about practical version control and building an SVN Repository. Because I’m doing a computing degree and that’s the kind of fun and exciting weekends I have. I like to kick back and create a repository, commit a few changes, create a tag here, a branch there, generate the occasional repository log message file until I start to slip into a tedium-induced coma and have to keep myself awake by plashing my skull repeatedly against the keyboard.

And then the face in my computer tells me to stop

And you know what the dullest part of my day was? The hour and a half I spent doing Lucy Benjamin’s Dancercise workout.

You may think that staring at a command screen until your eyeballs throb is tedious but seriously, try Lucy and trainer Fitz’s method of keeping fit by leaping to the side, stepping to the front and *clap!* repeated 5000 times. The entire DVD was like an endlessly repeating 3 second gif.

This is honestly all there is to it.

It doesn’t really help that there aren’t any proper separate sections. There are no scene or costume changes between the intriguingly named Workout 1 and Workout 2. There isn’t even a jingle or a fancy title graphic to break up the monotony. I originally quite liked Lucy’s pink joggers and wrap-around cardi. It seems like everyone’s been doing these DVDs in skimpy pants recently and I appreciated Lucy taking a more comfy approach. My enthusiasm waned after a while although I do respect her devotion to leisurewear.

The music is baffling and doesn’t add to the illusion that this is supposed to be a fun dance session. Most of it sounds like a TV theme tune. I kept feeling like they were actual proper programmes that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. One was a bit like Black Beauty and another was a bit like Hill Street Blues though neither is anywhere near as good as the originals. I imagine someone was commissioned at short notice to provide the theme music for a daytime TV show about farming or antiques or dogging or something and it got cancelled at the last minute. In which case it’s nice to know that they found some use for the music after all.

Lucy Benjamin is obviously most famous for playing the consistently miserable Lisa in Eastenders. She is part of the elite group of workout-releasing ex-Eastenders actors and features on CLCW's handy knowledge sheet.

Lucy’s early acting CV is even more impressive. Her very first TV role was on Doctor Who, for goodness sakes. Admittedly, it was only a couple of seconds long but Doctor Who! When the Doctor looked like Peter Davison!

80s style clothes of the future

You wouldn’t think you could top that but Lucy only went to star in Press Gang! Third person in the credits, no less, after Julia Sawalha and Dexter Fletcher.

I have resisted the urge to watch any Press Gang clips on YouTube because it’s ever so slightly possible that the show isn’t quite the epitome of unparalleled awesomeness that it is in my head. I was also concerned that I might fancy Spike as much as I did at the time and that fancying a teenager would make me feel grubby. Surprisingly, it turns out that Dexter Fletcher was in his mid-twenties when he played Spike. I can scarcely believe it. The man’s clearly an acting genius.

This was all I wanted in a man when I was 14. It still might be.

Lucy is currently performing in Hairspray as Velma Von Tussle. We can only hope that this keeps her far too busy to make any more workout DVDs.

Best Bit
Lucy’s fitness instructor is an enthusiastic gentleman called Fitzroy Gaynes. When Fitz wants us to take notice of a new move he’s going to demonstrate he gives us the ‘Visuals’ sign so we can all pay attention. This involves framing his eyes with v-shaped fingers. It’s like being given dancing instructions by Vince Vega from Pulp Fiction.

No wait a minute, it’s nothing like that. Vince Vega dancing lessons would be awesome. Although there might be the risk of accidentally snorting some heroin during the cool-down.

Worst Bit
Aside from the crappy workouts and the crappy music, there is unsurprisingly a crappy DVD extra. Here, Lucy has her face moisturised and massaged by a beautician where they discuss what Beauty treatments plebs like us might be able to do at home. Honey face masks and putting tea bags on eyes are mentioned. There’s nothing like having beauty recommendations made by someone who clearly isn’t going to try what they’re suggesting.

"As long as we keep talking I can claim this on expenses"

Difficulty Level
Well it’s dancing which makes it inherently difficult for me but it’s shit dancing so that helps a lot.

Sometimes you have to dance like nobody's watching. 

This is not one of those times.

Would I do this workout again?
No. There is almost nothing to redeem this DVD at all. At the end of the workouts, Lucy suggests that we invite our friends round to do this workout with us. She demonstrates this by having a few of her friends join in the next bit. In a twist on the classic line, Lucy says  “if they can do this, anyone can.” which seems a wee bit insulting to her friends.

You are all much more shit than me

Don’t get too excited about the friends workout by the way: they repeat one of the earlier workouts rather than do a new one and the whole thing lasts about 30 measly seconds.

So, no offence, Lucy but I really don’t think I’ll be inviting any of my friends round to do your workout any time soon. I’d sooner invite them round to build back-up version control repositories with me

Hollyoaks – Dance Workout

This DVD starts by warning us that strobe effects are going to be used and so we had better take whatever appropriate precautions there are against strobing – deep breathing, tin foil hats, magically not being epileptic anymore – that sort of thing.

The other thing I saw recently with a strobe effects warning was Ben Wheatley’s “A Field in England” in which him off A League of Gentlemen takes magic mushrooms and trips his balls off in a field during the English Civil War. I am afraid that the Hollyoaks Dance Workout doesn’t fare that well in comparison.

This move doesn't feature in the workout, sadly.

The three Hollyoaks alumni here are Sarah Jayne Dunn, Jodi Albert and Ali Bastian who played Mandy Richardson, Debbie Dean and Becca Dean on the soap. They are joined by their trainer, Tristan Temple.

The gang's all here!

The DVD starts off with a quick interview and a fascinating behind the scenes look at their life on Hollyoaks in which we get the chance to see the sofa in the green room, learn that the girls like drinking tea in the morning and discover that nobody really appreciates just how hard soap stars work. It’s not all awards and parties, you know. Sometimes there is actual getting up in the morning involved.

I have the hardest job in the world.

Tristan asks the girls why they wanted to make a fitness video. “We just thought it would be something different” replies Sarah Jayne. Of course. Because soap stars releasing fitness DVDs is something that hardly ever happens. 

Ali tells us that they wanted the workout to be “fun and dance-based.” Which is a pity because it really isn’t either of those things. The producers have elected to take the ‘dance’ out of ‘dance workout’ and instead replace it with ‘grinding tedium’.

This is the least of its problems, frankly. The  Hollyoaks Dance Workout is the worst put together, cheapest-looking DVD that I’ve reviewed so far. And, you know, CLCW prides itself on its commitment to reviewing shoddily put-together bits of crap.

The whole thing is terrible. The picture quality and editing make it look like it was recorded on a mobile phone by a randy fifteen year old.

Not even slightly exaggerating.

The girls look unrehearsed and out of synch with one another. I’m not expecting Diversity-levels of co-ordination here but come on, at least try to maintain the illusion that you have the faintest idea what to do. Ali keeps having to look over her shoulder to check what the others are doing.

The music is both pointless and far too loud – Tristan is rendered almost inaudible during the first section. Even when his single word instructions aren’t being drowned out by the music, they aren’t much help. More than once I had to extrapolate what’s going on by focusing on Jodi’s midriff.

People who want to focus on Jodi’s midriff are without doubt the target audience for this DVD.

I imagine their ideal customer is someone who has already bought the Hollyoaks special episodes DVDs, books, calendars and limited edition Eau de Toilette and feels the need for just that bit more Hollyoaks in his life. Maybe he has set up a little shrine to Hollyoaks in the spare room – nothing fancy just a wall of photos and some candles. Somewhere to relax while he watches this dance workout on a continuous loop. The DVD looks like it has been shot in a tiny whitewashed basement somewhere which helps our viewer visualize exactly how the girls will look once he’s successfully managed to chloroform them and smuggle them into his specially-prepared suburban dungeon.

The typical viewer of this DVD.

There are three main sections to this DVD: the inspiringly named “Warm Up”, “Main Workout” and “Cool Down” sections. There is also a baffling extra section after the main workout where the girl don teeny tiny mini-skirts, stand in three inches of water and strut their funky stuff for 3 minutes. 

It has the flavour of one of those adverts that you get late at night for sex phone lines. The producers really do look after for their target audience. Because who doesn’t want to see girls who look like they’re being held against their will in the back room of a lap-dancing club after its suffered extensive flooding?

We checked with our focus group. That is exactly what they want to see.

Best Bit

In fairness to the girls, they do all seem perfectly lovely. (Apart from the flogging shoddy merchandise thing, obviously.) Sarah Jayne was in The Dark Knight, you know. And Jodi used to be in the Irish Girl group “Wonderland”. She’s married to one of the Westlifes.

Worst Bit

Look, I don’t want to get all schoolteachery here but I wish someone would take the makers of celeb workouts to one side and tell them that spelling does matter.

First there was Natalie Cassidy’s Eastenders character being referred to as “Sonja” rather than Sonia on the DVD box. A couple of weeks ago the DVD credits and enclosed booklet for Ministry of Sound couldn’t agree on whether one of the dancers was called ‘Stephen’ or ‘Steven’.

This week it’s Jodi Albert’s name which is clearly far too complicated for anyone to get right.

It’s Jodi not Jodie you imbeciles.

Seriously, if someone doesn’t sort this shit out I am going to start writing stiff letters of complaint to the newspapers. Probably in green ink and each one beginning “Why oh why oh why”.

Oh god, please help me.

Difficulty Level

We’re told this is a Dance workout – it’s right there in the name for goodness sake, but it really, really isn’t . It is a sequence of stretches interspersed with jogging on the spot. You know me, I’m no fan of dance workouts but I don’t think that pretending that you’re going to do a dance workout and then delivering something else is really the answer.

I was expecting a difficult dance workout. Instead I got a not-difficult not-dance workout. This should have made me happy but instead I feel cheated and let down. Stop playing with my emotions, Hollyoaks.

Would I do this workout again?

Definitely not. In fact, I’ll leave the final word to the guy who wrote the workouts only 5 star review on amazon.

Stay classy, James.