David Haye – Box and Tone

David Haye is a former heavyweight boxing champion and a former unified world cruiserweight champion. He holds the The Ring counterweight title which I assume means he was best in the world at defending himself against straggly-haired Japanese girls crawling out of television sets.

Aren't you a tad overdressed there, Dave?

Boxing’s not really my thing, to be honest. I’m not sure if I’ve just been unlucky but any time I’ve tried to watch it, it always seems to turn into a fight.

He's clearly very good at it. His nickname is “The Hayemaker” which as it turns it out is a clever play on his name and a type of boxing move. It’s not, as you might have supposed, a reference to the Canadian punk band.

Everybody, sing along!

David Haye was in the jungle last year in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. He came 3^rd while fellow C-List Celebber, Charlie Brooks took the 1^st place spot. Interestingly, Ashley Roberts of the Pussycat Dolls came 2^nd. 2012 could have almost boasted a CLCW hat-trick were it not for the fact that the Pussycat Dolls workout doesn’t have the Pussycat Dolls in it.

Charlie and David demonstrate the fundamental interconnectedness of all things.

The workout is a no nonsense collections of punches, blocks and circuit training. “Whether you’re fit or not, don’t worry” says David. “You won’t be taking any punches here – just dishing them out.” 

Don’t get excited. None of the workouts actually afford you the opportunity to punch anybody. We punch the air while David talks us through it as though he expects us to have square off against an opponent at any moment. He admonishes us to keep our skulls protected while assuming the basic stance and shows us the best way to deflect a punch from a 20 stone man.  


It’s like he’s forgotten he’s making a fitness DVD and is instead preparing us for the forthcoming apocalypse where we will require the necessary skills to deflect jabs and uppercuts from unprovoked attackers at any moment.

Luckily, if that does happen, I am now slightly more ready for it than I was before I did the workout.

Never let your opponent turn you on your back like a cockroach

Best Bit

This is great fun. Who doesn’t like pretending to punch people while being spurred on by someone who PUNCHES PEOPLE AS A JOB. During the Shadow Boxing section, David wanders around his group of workout buddies and encourages them to throw their punches in his direction as hard as they can. I was quite jealous. That’s the kind of fitness trainer you want.

"Bow down before me, mortals"

Worst Bit

As you can see from the screenshots, the whole thing looks terribly dark and drab. I’m not sure if they just were intentionally trying to recreate the ambience of any underground fight club, but a few more lights wouldn’t have hurt.

And maybe some scatter cushions. An Athena poster or two. Brighten the place up a bit.

Weirdest Bit

At the beginning the DVD offers us the chance to select a left or right-handed option so that we can watch the version where David mirrors our movements. It’s like he really cares about each and every one of us. Even freaky left-handers.

You're offering me too much choice, David!

Difficulty Level

David is adamant that this workout is for everyone regardless of fitness levels. The workout includes easy versions of squats, press-ups and star jumps. Because, he recognises, not everyone has been working out quite as intensively as he has for the last 20 years. It’s still ridiculously difficult. I’m not sure when the last time I worked out this hard for a celebrity.  I think he might have scared me into it.

How can you say 'no' to this man?

Would I do this workout again?

Oh yes. At the end of the Warm Down, David says “If you stick with this training programme, I guarantee you’ll be part of Team Hayemaker in no time.”

Because let’s face it, when I find myself in the Full-on Streets of Rage post-apocalyptic future, that David has been preparing me for, I definitely want to be part of Team Hayemaker.

Bring it on

Lucy Benjamin - Dancercise

I have spent most of today learning about practical version control and building an SVN Repository. Because I’m doing a computing degree and that’s the kind of fun and exciting weekends I have. I like to kick back and create a repository, commit a few changes, create a tag here, a branch there, generate the occasional repository log message file until I start to slip into a tedium-induced coma and have to keep myself awake by plashing my skull repeatedly against the keyboard.

And then the face in my computer tells me to stop

And you know what the dullest part of my day was? The hour and a half I spent doing Lucy Benjamin’s Dancercise workout.

You may think that staring at a command screen until your eyeballs throb is tedious but seriously, try Lucy and trainer Fitz’s method of keeping fit by leaping to the side, stepping to the front and *clap!* repeated 5000 times. The entire DVD was like an endlessly repeating 3 second gif.

This is honestly all there is to it.

It doesn’t really help that there aren’t any proper separate sections. There are no scene or costume changes between the intriguingly named Workout 1 and Workout 2. There isn’t even a jingle or a fancy title graphic to break up the monotony. I originally quite liked Lucy’s pink joggers and wrap-around cardi. It seems like everyone’s been doing these DVDs in skimpy pants recently and I appreciated Lucy taking a more comfy approach. My enthusiasm waned after a while although I do respect her devotion to leisurewear.

The music is baffling and doesn’t add to the illusion that this is supposed to be a fun dance session. Most of it sounds like a TV theme tune. I kept feeling like they were actual proper programmes that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. One was a bit like Black Beauty and another was a bit like Hill Street Blues though neither is anywhere near as good as the originals. I imagine someone was commissioned at short notice to provide the theme music for a daytime TV show about farming or antiques or dogging or something and it got cancelled at the last minute. In which case it’s nice to know that they found some use for the music after all.

Lucy Benjamin is obviously most famous for playing the consistently miserable Lisa in Eastenders. She is part of the elite group of workout-releasing ex-Eastenders actors and features on CLCW's handy knowledge sheet.

Lucy’s early acting CV is even more impressive. Her very first TV role was on Doctor Who, for goodness sakes. Admittedly, it was only a couple of seconds long but Doctor Who! When the Doctor looked like Peter Davison!

80s style clothes of the future

You wouldn’t think you could top that but Lucy only went to star in Press Gang! Third person in the credits, no less, after Julia Sawalha and Dexter Fletcher.

I have resisted the urge to watch any Press Gang clips on YouTube because it’s ever so slightly possible that the show isn’t quite the epitome of unparalleled awesomeness that it is in my head. I was also concerned that I might fancy Spike as much as I did at the time and that fancying a teenager would make me feel grubby. Surprisingly, it turns out that Dexter Fletcher was in his mid-twenties when he played Spike. I can scarcely believe it. The man’s clearly an acting genius.

This was all I wanted in a man when I was 14. It still might be.

Lucy is currently performing in Hairspray as Velma Von Tussle. We can only hope that this keeps her far too busy to make any more workout DVDs.

Best Bit
Lucy’s fitness instructor is an enthusiastic gentleman called Fitzroy Gaynes. When Fitz wants us to take notice of a new move he’s going to demonstrate he gives us the ‘Visuals’ sign so we can all pay attention. This involves framing his eyes with v-shaped fingers. It’s like being given dancing instructions by Vince Vega from Pulp Fiction.

No wait a minute, it’s nothing like that. Vince Vega dancing lessons would be awesome. Although there might be the risk of accidentally snorting some heroin during the cool-down.

Worst Bit
Aside from the crappy workouts and the crappy music, there is unsurprisingly a crappy DVD extra. Here, Lucy has her face moisturised and massaged by a beautician where they discuss what Beauty treatments plebs like us might be able to do at home. Honey face masks and putting tea bags on eyes are mentioned. There’s nothing like having beauty recommendations made by someone who clearly isn’t going to try what they’re suggesting.

"As long as we keep talking I can claim this on expenses"

Difficulty Level
Well it’s dancing which makes it inherently difficult for me but it’s shit dancing so that helps a lot.

Sometimes you have to dance like nobody's watching. 

This is not one of those times.

Would I do this workout again?
No. There is almost nothing to redeem this DVD at all. At the end of the workouts, Lucy suggests that we invite our friends round to do this workout with us. She demonstrates this by having a few of her friends join in the next bit. In a twist on the classic line, Lucy says  “if they can do this, anyone can.” which seems a wee bit insulting to her friends.

You are all much more shit than me

Don’t get too excited about the friends workout by the way: they repeat one of the earlier workouts rather than do a new one and the whole thing lasts about 30 measly seconds.

So, no offence, Lucy but I really don’t think I’ll be inviting any of my friends round to do your workout any time soon. I’d sooner invite them round to build back-up version control repositories with me

Charlie Brooks – Before And After

Charlie Brooks is the actress who plays Janine Butcher in Eastenders and shouldn’t be confused with Charlie Brooker, the TV Columnist and Black mirror writer.

Charlie Brooks workout regime contains a warm-up session, disco, combat and high intensity workout section and a Pilates cool down. Whereas Charlie Brooker’s would no doubt consist of gruelling allegory in a dystopian alternative reality. With knob jokes.

The Charlie Brooker Workout

 

Brooks is joined by Dee Thresher, the go-to Fitness coach for Eastenders actors. Dee has also appeared in a fitness-guru capacity on GMTV and Daybreak and is according to the internets, currently in a relationship with TV Doctor Nice, Dr Hilary Jones. At least, she has a link to his website from hers which I believe is how declares one’s intentions these days.

Da daaa! It's Dee.

Dee has also appeared in workout DVDs for Eastenders’ Natalie Cassidy and Letitia Dean although Brooks was the first so this is evidently where Dee got the taste for it. When I say first, I mean Charlie was the first to work with this particular trainer, not first to release a workout DVD , obviously. She was preceded by Patsy Palmer, Lucy Benjamin, Zoe Lucker and Barbara Windsor.

You know what would be handy? If someone were to produce a  handy visual guide to all the actors in Eastenders who have released workout DVDs including the date of release and the years in which they were part of the Eastenders cast.

Heh. I say ‘somebody’. I mean me, obviously. It’s not like I have anything more productive to do with my life. So here you go, world premier of CLCW’s official Workout-releasing Eastenders Actors Knowledge Sheet. Or WEAKS for short. You’re welcome, World.

Please click here for the larger version. Please. Don’t make me have put this together for nothing

This workout starts with a bit of background and Charlie’s early sessions which are shot documentary-style. We see her weigh herself for the first time and then cut to footage of her working out.

Original unsuccessful version of that John Lewis advert

“Doing the workout for the first time is the fun bit” intones the voiceover lady seriously. “But will it ever work?”

Well you see, Voiceover Lady, there’s not much point in the ramping up the tension because we already know that it’s going to work. New-look slim Charlie just told us so. Plus there’s a massive spoiler on the front of the DVD box itself. The bit where it says “This works! “


Warning: Contains Spoilers
Difficulty Level
Most of the routines were needlessly complicated. Dee seemed to under the impression we were learning a dance routine even when we just doing squats and lunges.  “And now lets put it all together and go from the top!” she’d shout enthusiastically. We’re not performing  a cabaret act here, Dee.

Charlie’s face was furrowed in concentration for most of the workouts and this is a girl who had supposedly done these routines dozens of times before.

Weirdest Bit
This isn’t specific to this workout but I was reading the warning bit that pops up at the beginning telling you not to do the workout if you’ve just eaten a heavy meal or are drunk or have taken lots of drugs and stuff. There is a line in it which says “Before consulting this or any other fitness regime, consult your doctor” Do people ever do that, do you think. Make an appointment with their GP so they can say “I’ve just bought this legs, bums and tums workout at Asda. What do you reckon, doc? Is it safe?” They shift millions of these things, surely. No wonder I can never get an appointment at the doctor’s surgery in under 3 weeks.

Worst Bit
The camera seems to be squarely trained on Charlie’s crotch for the first half of the workout. I had to pause the DVD a couple of times and both times, the TV screen just showed a close-up of her pelvis. Which was disconcerting.

For the second half the camera starts zooming in, zooming out and changing angles in a concentrated effort to give the viewer motion sickness. I think the cameraman was really bored.

Oh not again.

Would I do this workout again?
No point really. I know the ending now.

Linda Barker - Simple Yoga

Linda Barker is a celebrity Interior Designer. She is most famous for TV Series “Changing Rooms” in which two neighbours would perform a makeover of one another’s living rooms. This usually involved building some shit out of MDF and gluing bits of fabric to the wall. I don’t know about you but that’s the sort of essential qualification I look for when sourcing a yoga instructor.

 

If you are wondering what drew Linda to yoga, on the back of the DVD box there is the following credit: “Candles from Linda Barker’s range from Arran Aromatics”. This probably explains the existence this workout DVD. She has to shift those candles somehow.

 

Inside the mind of Linda Barker

 

Barker starts the workout by introducing us to her trainer Izzi Valenti from the British Wheel of Yoga. Now don’t get too fond of Izzi – that is all you are going to see of her. From then on, Linda Barker is on her own. Although to be fair there is both Voiceover-Linda and Yogaing-Linda so it feels like we’ve got a double act.

 

Don't get too comfy there, Izzi. Your bus is in ten minutes.

 

The first section is “Lying Postures”. Voiceover-Linda encourages us to relax and then asks “How do you feel right now?”

 

I’m very well, thanks, Linda. Nice of you to ask.

 

She then gets us to visit each part of our body and to encourage the mind and body to unite before asking “What’s going on in your mind right now?”

 

Well funny, you should ask that Linda. I’m actually lying here trying to think of something to say about your yoga workout for CLCW.

 

“Acknowledge any thoughts and then decide – quite consciously – for the hour or so, all thoughts can be left aside.”

 

Well that’s a nice idea, but if I do that I won’t have anything to write up, do you see? And then where will be? In a world bereft of a shiny new CLCW write-up that’s where.

 

“You will be absolutely absorbed in  your yoga practise. Centred, Focused, Non-Judgemental and in the present moment”

 

Woah. Hold on there, Linda. Non-Judgemental? How the hell’s that going to work? I think we may have to re-think the parameters of our relationship.

 

I was quite conflicted at this point

 

 

There are eight different sections on this DVD – Warms Up, Lying Postures, Sitting Postures, Standing Postures, Kneeling Postures, Breathing Exercises, Sun Sequence and Moon Sequence.

 

Mostly it’s lovely. You stretch and bend and centre your breathing and do that standing on one leg thing like on the front of the Wii Fit box.

 

Or the Tree Pose as it’s more properly known.

 

“Think of the quality of your tree” Linda said soothingly at which point I lost my balance. It’s fair to say my tree is not a high quality tree.

 

This is my tree.

 

 Sometimes the instructions were a little confusing. For one exercise we were instructed to lie on our backs with our knees bent. Linda said “Imagine your body is on the ground floor of a four storey block”. Which was fair enough. If there’s one thing I’m good at while lying on the floor it’s imagining I’m lying on the floor in slightly – but not completely – different circumstances.

 

She then complicated it by saying, “On your next inhalation, raise your buttocks to the first floor”. Wait a minute. If my body is lying on the ground floor, what are my buttocks doing going up to the first floor? Are they travelling independently? Am I supposed to be imagining that my buttocks have broken free the tyranny of the rest of my body and decided to strike out on their own?

 

I suspect that Linda really wanted to imagine that my whole body was the four-story building and my buttocks were a sort of arse elevator free to stop of the first, second, third or fourth floor as directed. In which case she should have said so in the first place and not just expected my arse to change character mid-way through the exercise.

 

Best Bit

The exercises were clear and easy to understand even if they weren’t easy to do. (I maintain that nobody can do the plank. Any video evidence to the contrary is just cunning computer trickery. Like Pixar movies. Or the Moon Landing.) Voiceover-Linda’s voice is soothing and calming to listen to. Which is odd because Yogaing-Linda’s is a bit irritating.

 

Worst Bit

I didn’t see those damn candles anywhere. I assume they were in the Moon Sequence bit because that was at night but those things in the front are fire bowls not candles and those look like lights in the background. Where are they? I had been looking forward to them ever since I read about them on the back of the box. I can’t even go on the website to check what I should be looking for as the DVD was made 10 years ago. The Arran Aromatics web page doesn’t mention Linda Barker so there was presumably an almighty feud of some sort and now the descendents of Arran and the descendents of Barker are sworn enemies.

 

These are not candles!

 

Difficulty Level

Linda doesn’t use the word ‘difficult’, she uses the word ‘strong’. When she tells you the next one is ‘a strong pose’ you know some serious shit is going down.

 

Would I do this work out again?

I really do like Yoga. There’s a lot of emphasis on stretching and feeling content which is the sort of workout my cat would approve of. I like the ridiculously difficult poses as well (apart from the plank) and who knows, one day I may even manage to do one. Of course I’m all hyped up on yoga at the moment so it might just be the positive energy talking.

Katie Price - The Jordan Workout

Wikipedia lists Katie’s Prices career achievements as: media personality, author, former glamour model, occasional singer and businesswoman. It’s a pretty underwhelming set of achievements, really.

As an author, every one of her 38 books has been written by someone else. The glamour modelling with which she first came to the public’s attention is now just a ‘former’ occupation. And is there any adjective damning with more faint praise than ‘occasional’ singer? All we’re left with really is “personality” and ‘businesswoman”. Jordan makes money out of her selling herself.


Not that she's pretended otherwise, to be fair

This workout DVD was brought out in 2005, the year after she appeared on ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’ where she hooked up with 90s pop star Peter Andre. They were married in September 2005. Jordan tells us that she adopted this workout following the birth of her second child in June of that year in order to get back into shape for her wedding.

Jordan and Andre just before Junior's birth. I can't believe it didn't work out for these two crazy kids.

As Jordan tells us ‘I was due to get married AND go on my honeymoon.' What are the chances, eh? Both those things happening at the same time.

She also tells us that she had never dieted or exercised in her life. This comes across as an admission that as she neither really needed to lose weight, nor enjoys exercise, she was blatantly releasing a workout DVD for the cash.



The DVD itself is fine. It appears to be literally set in Barbie’s Fashion Fairytale Palace. If ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ were still around, I’d be convinced that dressing the set had been left to a very lucky six year old girl who had a whale of time purchasing fluffy lights, disco balls and novelty seating.

Oh, I see, it's a shoe

Trainer Richard Callender tries to counteract the girliness by using lots of boxing expressions and frequently reminding us that he’s heterosexual.



There’s lots of punching and jumping and stretching. None of the sequences are difficult to follow. This is probably for Jordan’s benefit, who really doesn’t look like she’s done this (or probably any) workout before. Plus she really doesn’t seem all that bright, bless her. Richard tries to engage her in conversation during the workout. When he asks her how she’s down during the warm-up, she replies perkily “Warming up!” – a pretty typical Jordan comment. Her internal thought processes seem to be a running commentary of whatever she’s doing at a given moment.

I’m not sure who this DVD is aimed at. As I said, it looks like it’s set in a child’s bedroom. Trainer, Richard has a great line in cheery encouragement that I’m sure would endear him to middle aged women. Jordan, though, seems to think she’s making the softest of all softcore porn movies. It’s all low cut tops, bouncing, bending over and telling us how hot she’s feeling. For most of the workout she wears a pink miniskirt over a white leotard thus giving the impression of an upskirt panty shot every time she moves her legs.



Except that anyone with an amorous interest in Jordan wouldn’t be seeking gratification from a workout DVD surely? It would be a pretty rum state of affairs if this DVD were the only thing you could rustle up as a wanking aid. I believe they even have porn on the internet these days.

This is the first picture you get if you type 'porn' into a Google Image Safe Search. Wait, Is that a rubber band round his hand? What on earth is he planning to do with that?


Best Bit
Knowing that this workout allowed Jordan to look so lovely at her wedding to Peter Andre.



Worst Bit
Knowing that the marriage was doomed to failure. Poor sweet ignorant 2005 Jordan. What know you of life?

Difficulty Level
Easy peasy. Although I did leave out the “Hard Core” section. Which was a killer abs session, incidentally. I’m not returning to my previous pornography digression.

Would I do this workout again?
No. It wasn’t the worst workout I’ve done by a long way. However, watching the Jordan Workout once can be considered a duty. Watching the Jordan Workout twice looks like an indulgence. I do have to live with myself, you know.