Beverley Callard – Rapid Results

What you’re looking at here is just one of the four workouts that Coronation Street actress and actual, proper fitness instructor Beverley Callard has released.

The full oeuvre is as follows: Real Results, Rapid Results, Ultimate Results and Lasting Results.

She’s clearly a results-focused woman.

I’m trying to work out which of these results is the most desirable, if you have to choose.  Certainly ‘rapid’ seems to be a pretty good quality in an exercise as is ‘ultimate’. That’s the highest limit attained right there. ‘Lasting’ results are pretty crucial. You don’t want to achieve the perfect body then have your old fat self blobbing out at unexpected moments like that bit in the Nutty Professor.

Blobbing

On reflection while ‘rapid’, ‘ultimate’ and ‘lasting’ are all important, being ‘real’  is totally non-negotiable. A workout advertised as “The Imaginary Hypothetical Workout” isn’t going to fly off the shelves.

If Beverley wants to market these DVDs in box sets, she could group them according to combined results. The Real and Rapid workouts could be packaged together as the “Efficient Results” collection or you could combine Rapid, Lasting and Ultimate for “The Phantasmagorical Results Workout.” I have put together cut-out-and-keep a Beverley Callard Fitness Results Venn Diagram for this very purpose.

This particular workout was originally released in 1996. Much as I moan and complain about the shitty DVD extras that come with most C-List Celeb workouts, I have become accustomed to having them around. Beverley’s DVD doesn’t have any extras at all. It doesn’t even provide the option of selecting workouts by section on the menu. You click once to start and then the whole workout unfolds from beginning to end without pausing for breath. It’s a DVD that thinks it’s a video cassette basically. I’m surprised that it didn’t try to rewind itself afterwards.

You're just spoiling me with choice, here.

Beverley introduces us to the team that we are going to be working with. There’s Sue who was on the last video, apparently, Sarah who has got fabulous legs and Val who tends to store fat on her bottom and thighs.

There is also Karen who is Bev’s second-in-command and is there largely for her counting skills. She does count beautifully, mind.

Karen counting. Or possibly swearing.

Then there are the two boys: Mel “who exercises regularly and loves it” and David “who exercises regularly and hates it” both of whom are completely overshadowed somewhat by their startling outfits. They’ve both come as the only gay in the village. 

While I appreciate their commitment to style – although maybe everyone was dressed like that in 1996 and I was too wrapped up in myself to notice – those outfits can’t have been the most comfortable things to work out in. By the time they reached the floor exercises I bet they were dying to change out of their PVC lederhosen and into something more comfortable. Maybe some ass-less chaps, a feather boa  and a gimp mask.

Of course, David's always dressed lovely.

The credits say that the guys’ outfits are from The Cutting Room in Wigan. Eager to find out what the fashionable look is these days in workout slash fetishwear, I looked them up online. Disappointingly the only Cutting Room in Wigan appeared to be a hairdresser. However, a quick look at their staff page showed that the owner is none other than Mel off of Bev’s video! Unbelievable! You know what this means, don’t you? Good because personally, I have no idea. Maybe it was a tax dodge.

Best Bit

Without a doubt the best part of the whole workout are the face exercises at the end. Bev has us gurning and stretching and grinning like crazy people. Word of warning: don’t attempt the lower lid exercises while wearing contact lenses. And don’t do any of the exercises if there is an outside chance that anyone might see you. Particular if they might screenshot you and put your pictures online. Because you’ll just look stupid.

See?

Weirdest Bit.

At the end of the workout, Dave Gorman look-alike Mel tells Beverley that they have a surprise for her. The gang go off for a moment and come back bearing a massive cake covered in cream and, well, you can see where this is going, can’t you?

And yes, she is pretty much headbutting that cake in the third picture. 
Still, Mel's clearly having the most fun he's ever had in his life.

Difficulty Level

As I mentioned before, as well as being Liz McDonald in Coronation Street, Beverley Callard is an actual proper, legitimate fitness instructor. You can tell. She shouldn’t have been allowed on C-List Celebrity Workouts at all, really given how useful, well-explained and well-presented the whole thing is.

Would I do this Workout Again?

This is a nicely put-together fitness plan but even if I could face the low-tech menu options again, I’m not sure how much more time I can spend with the ridiculous 90s fashions. Not that they’re painful to look at. Quite the opposite. If I watch this DVD too many times there is a very real danger that I might go and buy myself a high-cut snakeskin print leotard with black mesh straps. Or a black and silver PVC playsuit, of course.

I could totally pull this look off.

Vicky Binns – Dance It Off

There’s not a lot of variety in Workout DVD titles, is there? It’s all Dance this, Fitness that, Body the other. Clearly the celebs – or the celeb’s well-paid DVD Naming Manager – just grab the nearest couple of words from their box of Fitness Workout Fridge Magnet Poetry and figure they’re good to go.

"Yeah, that'll do."

It would be so much more satisfying if the workout names actually reflected the contents of the DVD. “Barbara Windsor acts like a mental and frightens her carer” for example. Or “Someone locks the girls from Hollyoaks in their basement for some reason”.

Vicky Binns’ workout would be called “Look At How Great My Arse Looks in These Silver Hotpants! Seriously – Take a Look! Closer than that!”

Do you see?

Her arse does look great, it’s true. And we all know that shiny silver lamé is not the most forgiving of fabrics. Many is the time I’ve eaten a whole packet of hobnobs just because they were there, squeezed into my XXXXL hotpants, looked in the mirror and thought “Can I really pull this look off”. Inevitably deciding “Damn right I can!” and striding purposefully off to my job interview or parent/tutor conference.

Me, dressed up to go out, yesterday.

Vicky and her trainer, Rachel Ravenscroft, guide us through the various sections which include Street Heat, Urban Burn, Power Groove and Core Control. The workout appears to take place in a Junior School hall straight after the school disco. They’ve still got the glitter collages made by the Year 5s on the wall.

Vicky is alumnus of not one but two soap operas having appeared in both Emmerdale and Coronation Street. This means if I had C-List Celebrity Bingo cards I would be able to tick off the “Ex-Soap Star” box for sure. In fact if I had C-List Celebrity Workout Bingo Cards I would have done pretty well with Binns. I could have ticked the “Inappropriate Workout Wear” box and the “Shit, pointless diet plan” one.

It would actually make a pretty good drinking game. It’s a pity you’re expressly warned not to drink when following workouts given that  celebrity fitness DVDs and alcohol seem such natural bed fellows really.

Best Bit

The way in which the girls glittery tops  match the stripe down the sides of each of their tracksuit bottoms. Did they have them made specially, do you think? Or at least had a member of the wardrobe team sew on the stripes on for them?

That's attention to detail right there.

Worst Bit

I really do hate the crappy excuses for diet plans that keep cropping up on these fitness DVDs. It’s such a  lazy Will-this-do way to claim that your DVD contains an extra. Presumably the production meeting goes something like, “So what about the DVD extras? Should we film something specially.” “Nah – [Insert Celebrity Name]  just stuck a few menu ideas together – let’s do that.” “Brilliant. Anyone fancy a pint?”.

Call that a diet plan? You need more plan.

At least mix it up a bit. Make it slightly interactive. Stick a photo of a grapefruit as a background. Make some fucking effort.

Difficulty Level

When it wasn’t being baffling dance moves this was quite a good workout.  There were lunges and thrusts and boxing bits. Like Vicky says in her introduction “This is not just mincing around your handbag.”

Would I do this Workout Again?

Rest assured, Vicky. If my ‘C-List Celebrity Workout Clichés Drinking Bingo Party’ actually ever does happen, then “Dance it off” will be one of the first DVDs I reach for.

Vicky Entwistle – Weight Off Workout

After last week’s Hollyoaks workout, now it’s Coronation Street’s turn. CLCW is clearly on a mission to prove that Eastenders doesn’t hold the monopoly on soap star related fitness DVDs.

Unlike Eastenders which takes place amongst the civilised postcodes of the South East of England, Coronation Street is set in the grim North and is full of characters who train whippets, make hotpots and speak as they find. Probably. Despite it being the world's longest-running TV soap opera in production, I’ve never actually watched an episode and have extrapolated all my understanding of the show from its theme music.

This week’s celebrity played Janice Battersby , the street’s loudmouth factory worker. Is there are a more northern-sounding name than Janice Battersby?

Well, yes there is. Vicky Entwistle. The name of the actress who played her.

Entwistle. Entwistle. It’s great, isn’t it? “Get Entwistle over t’mill. One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.”

Occasionally Coronation Street required her to dress as the Queen

Vicky Entwistle, like so many soap stars before her, has suffered the trauma of having her photograph taken from an unflattering angle by the tabloid paparazzi while daring to sport a swimming costume, no make-up and post-swimming hair.

Losing 2 stone and releasing a fitness DVD is one response. This would have been another.

Now much as I hate the shrub-skulking lowlifes who contribute these photos to the UK’s most exploitative newspapers, they do seem to provide the catalyst for a lot of the celebrity workouts that get reviewed here. Perhaps I  should concede that there is some virtue in what they do. Well, that’s clearly not going to happen. Total fucking scum. Every one of them.

In addition to losing 2 and a half stone, Vicky has also dropped 10 dress sizes which is a pretty startling weight loss/ dress size conversion rate however you slice it. Still given the disparity between size measurements across shops, I could drop 6 dress sizes just by selecting different items of clothing from my wardrobe so maybe that accounts for some of it.

Although there was definitely exercise involved as well.

Not that she isn’t clearly a fraction of the lady she used to be.  “I know I’m never going to be a supermodel,” she says in her introduction. “But I’m gobsmacked how much I’ve changed.” She seems like a nice lady. For the workout, she’s  rocking a vest-top and shorts combo which make her look ever so slightly like a tennis ball.

Ceci n'est pas une balle de tennis.

Vicky is joined by trainer Richard Callender who we last saw humouring Katie Price in the Jordan workout. He was also one of the trainers on the The Biggest Loser although it is hard to imagine as he seems like an absolute sweetie.

The sections of the workout are the Warm Up, Fat Burner, Body Tone and Belly Shrinker. The exercises are rather great. At the end of the cool down Vicky says, “Now I have to be honest with you. The first time I did this, I couldn’t walk for a couple of days afterwards.” You’re telling me this now, Entwistle? Don’t you think it’s a bit late for that? I may have stuff to do over the next couple of days that requires the use of my legs.
It’s now 24 hours since I did these exercises and luckily I don’t seem to have any trouble walking. Perhaps  I wasn’t pushing myself enough or  maybe I’m a lot fitter than Vicky was at the beginning of her fitness regime. It’s more than likely that Vicky has a tendency towards hyperbole. Actors often do, you know. Even the straight-talking Northern ones.

Best Bit

At the end of the obligatory “Making Of” DVD extra, we are shown Vicky variously eating a chocolate cupcake, drinking champagne and feeding Richard something that looks suspiciously like mashed potato with a massive spoon – like a baffling re-imagining of Bodger and Badger. I applaud such behaviour in a C-List Workout celeb. You wouldn’t get it from Penny “Chocolate Sniffer” Lancaster.

Party time!

Weirdest Bit

There are times during the workout that Richard has a perceptible outline round his head as though he has been super-imposed in the workout room via the magic of film camera trickery.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

I was going to make a joke about how the whole thing was really recorded in an alien space-station or in a magical fairy kingdom and they blue-screened it to make Richard appear like he was in a perfectly normal fitness studio.

Thing is, I’ve watched the DVD extra and it really does look like some of it was filmed in front a blue screen. I have no idea what’s real and what isn’t any more. Maybe none of these DVDs are really real. Maybe they just exist so that I can review them here like some kind of massively unsuccessful version of the Truman Show.

"That's great Vicky. Now we'll just get our CGI guys to painstakingly create an unremarkable workout space around you."

Is Richard Callender even a real person? I mean, sure I’ve seen him in the DVD extras but you know what, I’ve seen Buzz Lightyear in DVD extras and I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of trickery involved there too.

Worst Bit

Yet another pointless eating plan. There isn’t sufficient information here to plan anything. If the DVD producers aren't going to get Vicky back in to talk us through it and wave some Mange Tout at the camera, then quite frankly I’m not interested.

Or maybe dress as some Mange Tout. That would be good.

Difficulty Level

There are two types of ‘difficult’ when it comes to C-List Celebrity Workouts. Difficult to understand and difficult to do. It’s possible for a workout to be difficult because the instructor rattled through the instructions, didn’t really explain where your legs had to go and then expected to change from squats to lunges on no notice. It doesn’t mean that the workout necessarily did you much good.

Ideally you want the workout to be easy to understand but a bit of a challenge to complete which is exactly what Vicky Entwistle delivers here. Well, Richard Callender really deserves the credit but he wasn’t a cast member in the Best British Soap 2013 (according to the British Soap awards) so sorry, Rich.

Got this on your CV, Callender? No, didn't think so.

Everything is explained properly and demonstrated before you need to do it. In the warm-up section Richard introduces the new moves one at a time after making us complete the routine each time from the start. It’s the exercise version of that memory game where one person says “I want to the shops...” and you have to keep adding things to the list until someone forgets it.

Would I do this workout again?

Oh, I think so. I may be woefully ignorant with regard to most of Vicky Entwistle’s oeuvre but I’m happy to exercise with her again.